Entertainment Features

By Leo Stiles

The Expendables explodes into Irish cinemas this Friday in a fountain of blood and testosterone and should be the perfect antidote to a summer of flaccid superheroes and limp chick flicks. The film, allegedly Sylvester Stallone’s action movie swansong before he retires, has assembled the finest collection of ass-kickers on the planet and lets them loose to do what they do best; blow shit up.

The cast of this film is inspired with 80s action kings such as Stallone and Dolph Lundgren mixing it up with the likes of Jason Statham, Jet Li and 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin in what may be the biggest posturing competition of all time. No matter how good or bad the film may be, we can’t help but applaud Stallone’s 100 per cent commitment to old-school meathead moviemaking.

Stallone has been doing the press rounds for his movie and has said that he called in all sorts of favours to get his dream cast together and that he knocked on just about every steroid-pumped door. But if he can get the Governator to appear then why are some of the biggest action stars conspicuous by their absence?

JOE rounds up five of the usual suspects and asks: Where the hell are they?

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Jean-Claude had a real shot at joining the cast but then he made JVCD last year and became a critical darling for about five minutes. Unfortunately for him, that was five minutes too long for the action star union, whose rules stipulate that respectability should only come from an actor’s ability to deliver a beatdown and not from such artsy fartsy stuff like subtlety, performance and a grasp of irony.

We jest, of course but there has been a fair amount of speculation as to why JCVD isn’t in the movie including one report that Van Damme baulked at the idea of losing a fight to one of his action rivals. Another rumour has it that he was overly concerned with his character and declined the part that had been offered to him.

Whatever the reality of the situation may be, the film has opened to $35 million in the US and a sequel seems all but assured. We suspect that the Van Damme will do the right thing next time and grace the Expendables 2 with his presence.

Steven Seagal

Seagal is a video store action icon, with the expressionless one managing to crank out what sometimes seems like 90 films every year. The Seagal cottage industry is unstoppable and is responsible for most of rural Ireland’s riots, including the fracas in Meath last year when several mullet sporting men ended up in hospital after a debate on the merits of Under Siege 2 got out of hand.

Maybe it’s because he was busy making his next direct-to-DVD masterpiece or maybe it’s because he was busy eating all the pies but the portly ponytailed action god’s absence from the cast is a complete mystery. After all, what action flick would not benefit from the presence of an ass-kicker that not only could invoke some Tibetan blessings, but also cook for the entire cast and crew?

Again, we jest. The rumour mill attributes the Seagal size hole in the movie to a simple dislike of the material, which you might agree is a bit of a stretch when you consider that this is a man who recently played second fiddle to some dodgy vampires in a film called Against the Dark.

Seagal may not be going up against Stallone but that hasn’t stopped him from starring in Machete, the latest film from Robert Rodriguez, alongside the best cast of the year which includes Danny Trejo, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan and Robert De Niro.

Mel Gibson

Perhaps Stallone couldn’t get Gibbo because no one wanted to travel deep enough into crazyville to get him. He might have been a Lethal Weapon in the 80’s but now Mel's just lethal when it comes to his girlfriend’s voicemail and his cinematic depictions of Jesus Christ.

It hasn’t been a good couple of years for Mad Mel who saw his box office appeal fade after his infamous ‘sugar tits’ rant to his local police officers in 2006. His dwindling appeal turned to outright poison earlier this year when he lost the run of himself again, causing his proposed Viking epic starring Leonardo DiCaprio to be cancelled.

Still, we can’t help but think that a villainous role for the former William Wallace might have been all sorts of fun, especially as he could have had a suitably violent death at the hands of Jet Li as payback for Lethal Weapon 4.

Wesley Snipes

You might have thought the man who has become his own action movie industry over the last few years would be perfect for the Expendables, especially since he co-starred with Stallone in that 90s guilty pleasure, Demolition Man. It’s not like Snipes doesn’t need the money either.

Snipes has spent the last five years fending off the unwelcome  attention of the IRS after being caught out for not paying Uncle Sam enough of his box office swag. In order to obtain his get out of jail card, Snipes has been churning out second rate action films that have been lining the bottom shelves of Xtravision and feature such compelling titles like The Marksman and The Contractor.

So what is the real reason for Snipes’ Expendable no-show? The answer is that he wasn’t asked and his desire to return to real acting as evidenced in his low key performance earlier this year in Brooklyn’s Finest.

Chuck Norris

As much as we would have liked to see the ginger beard go toe-to-toe with The Stath, we have to admit that it would never have worked. Why? Well, it’s obvious isn’t it; Chuck Norris declined to be in the film because of all of earth’s six billion people, Chuck is the only one who isn’t expendable.

Honourable Mentions

Bruce Lee - At least he has a decent excuse, being dead.

Kurt Russell - Always more of an actor than an action star but he played Snake Pliskin, so surely there was a place for him at the Expendables table.

Monster Trucks - The only way this movie could be any more man-friendly would be if Stallone cast a talking monster truck with the voice of James Earl Jones. Perhaps the sequel will address this shortcoming.