Entertainment Features

It's that time of year where we look back on the gifts of family, friends and of course, the incomporable alpha male that is Liam Neeson. Here's Neeson is perfect for any occasion.

By Darragh Harkin

Last week I watched the trailer for both The Grey and Battlefield and by doing so confirmed something I had long believed. That everything thrown at you by life can be solved with a Neeson. Liam Neeson, to be a little more specific.

Not only can the big fella from Ballymena kick more ass than a Jackie Chan/Chuck Norris hybrid but he can also solve the worlds problems.

Here are just a few examples.

Financial crisis?

What financial crisis? As Neeson can use the Jedi mind trick learned while playing Qui-Gon Jinn in Star Wars.

The mind trick can be used to take money from the banks, get lots of free stuff, convince your boss to give you a raise and generally be more successful at anything. With the mind trick on hand you’ll feel like you’ve just been to Fraggle Rock as all your cares will have danced away.

Unrequited love?

This isn’t even a real problem in Neeson’s books as his Love Actually experience would easily deal with it. In that movie he helped a ten year old boy get the girl of his dreams so he’ll have your dilemma sorted without breaking a sweat.

Bad in Bed?

This problem is laughable to Neeson as he was of course the great sex doctor Alfred Kinsey in the movie Kinsey.

The information gained by him in this role means he’ll turn your love life upside down in no time - you will be rocking and no one will dare come a knocking.

Overweight?

Neeson will have you changed from a Frankenstein into a Frankenfine in a matter of days thanks to his skills as Henri Ducard in Batman Begins. If he can teach Bruce Wayne how to be Batman he can surely drill your fat ass into shape.

Need nice weather for your wedding day?

No problem thanks to his godly performance as Zeus in Clash of the Titans. Zeus is of course the god of sky and thunder so should have no problems helping you out even if it is the west of Ireland in the middle of January.

Close to death?

Not for long as Mr Neeson has survived many a close call with his maker. None more so than his 1990 superhero action movie Darkman when he is presumed dead and people attend his funeral.

If Neeson can survive being hideously burned and blown up in a science lab only to go on with life as a crime fighter then so can you.

Daughter kidnapped by Armenian sex traders while travelling through France?

This one would be an ass kicking walk in the park for Neeson as his character Bryan Mills from Taken would solve your problem in around 93 hard hitting minutes.

He might even find time to brag to about a very particular set of skills he has acquired over the years if you’re lucky.

Looking to be part of the first Irish government and need help to negotiate with the English?

Easy for Neeson as his time playing Michael Collins will surely be an advantage here. He may not bring back the six counties but he'll do his best.

Love your woman and want to fear no man?

Rob Roy is your only man for the job on this occasion.

Looking to save the lives of a few thousand Polish Jews?

Oskar Schindler will make a nice long list to help you here.

Looking for a plan to come together so nicely you might love it?

Hannibal from The A-Team is of course another Neeson character and should you provide him with a nice cigar, he’d be happy to help.

Want to hang out with one of the most beautiful women in the world?

Neeson: “Why hello there Rihanna, I believe we are starring in Battleship

together”

Rihanna: “Why yes we are Mr Neeson and I’m looking forward to it.”

Neeson: “Call me Liam darling, just Liam”.

By now you realize that what I say is true and that all of our problems no matter how big or small can be solved with Neeson.

This list could go on forever as that is the versatility of the big man so if you have a suggestion of a Neeson post it in the comments below.

On the other hand if one day you do find a problem that Neeson can’t solve - though I myself believe it to be impossible - don’t panic and instead remember something.

When all else fails, when Neeson has exhausted every aspect of his film career and hope is looking grim remember this saying.

Everything in life happens for a Gleeson. Brendan Gleeson.

Sure he was the General Martin Cahill, The Monk in Gangs of New York and went to Bruges in In Bruges. He will sort you out no problem too.