The Tourist’s Guide To Irish Slang

To celebrate the upcoming launch of Damo & Ivor’s brand new television show, JOE takes a look at some of the strange and wonderful phrases used on our Irish streets every day and tells you what basics you’ll need to get by.

Tourists visiting our wonderful country will of course have done their research, bought their guide books and they’re more than likely able to ask “where is the nearest library?” or “do you know the way to the local STD clinic train station?” But that’s not what our visitors really want to know, is it? Of course not. They want to know what the common man, Mr Joe O’Bloggs, is talking about when they bump into him at 3.30am outside Coppers or Kiely’s on a Tuesday night. Unfortunately for our welcome guests, there’s no guidebook out there that can help them when someone’s yelling in their faces that they're “Totes McGoats drunk”. The English may have given us oppression issues and a complex, but it’s fair to say that we showed them how to turn a phrase in their own language. So here are six essential Irish phrases we should all be aware of when travelling the length and breadth of the country: “C’mere til I tell ya, I was der with your one and he nearly had a canary when he found out the Daniel Day was banjaxed.” TRANSLATION: Listen to me. Myself and my friend were together when he got really angry when he heard that the Luas wasn’t running efficiently. “The jacks.” TRANSLATION: The toilets. That’s right, the jacks is the Irish slang word for toilet. It is not the term for those seven lads named Jack who were all in your secondary school class and who all shifted your ex-girlfriend Jacqueline at one stage or another. You bastard Jacks! Coincidentally, “you bastard jacks” is also a phrase that can be used when the toilet’s not working. “Craic hi! What about ye muckers, yous up fer saunterin’ te Frankie Ramsey’s for a lasagne bap and a biscuit stir-fry?” TRANSLATION: Hello there, how are you my friends? Would you all like to accompany me to the fine eaterie known as Frankie Ramsey’s for a lasagne bap and a biscuit stir-fry? What do you mean you’ve never heard of a lasagne bap or a biscuit stir-fry? There is no translation. Ah heeah, leav eh ouh! TRANSLATION: “Ah here, leave it out.” Originally an old lady’s plea for four men to stop fighting in the street, the phrase has now been adapted so that it can be used as an exclamation of disbelief in any situation e.g. Temporary girlfriend: I know we’ve only been out together twice but I’m pregnant now with your five babies. You: AH HEEAH! LEAV EH OUH!!! *Muffled* Mmdkjasmhjd dskslasanndks aaslkd pineapple asdllsalsdhjftva rubber dkjbed... TRANSLATION: Culchies. Everywhere. Nobody knows what they’re saying. Just nod, say yes and move slowly towards your nearest exit. (The nearest exit is probably the gate of the field you’re in.) “I’m as sick as the plane to Lourdes” TRANSLATION: Basically you’re very, very, VERY ill. Just like the poor souls bound for Lourdes, France to be healed by our Lord and Saviour, Santa Claus. So there you have it folks. Six essential phrases from all over Ireland to help you and your tourist guests get by. For more insights into Irish dialects, sort of, check out the new series of Damo and Ivor, which starts on Monday September 16 at 10.00pm on RTÉ Two.