Do you fall into any of these categories?
Nothing says ‘it’s January’ like the crazy amount of people packed into gyms up and down the country at the moment as the post-Christmas guilt hits its peak.
That guilt, and the crowds in the gym, will inevitably fade away and decrease drastically by the middle of February, of course.
For the time being, however, whether you’re a regular gym-goer or one of the many occasional visitors for whom January is their busiest month, you’re going to have a lot of company over the next few weeks.
Here are a few categories of people you’ll probably recognise and also want to avoid.
The know-it-all
The guy you’ll spot lurking uncomfortably behind you while you’re in the middle of an exercise, who’s only waiting for the chance to give you his or her two cents.
“That squat technique? All wrong mate.” “Pilates? Pfft. So last year.” “You mean to tell me you’re only doing three sets of eight bicep curls?”
To be avoided at all costs.
The overly-enthusiastic new guy
This lad was given a gym membership as a Christmas present and by God, he’s going to make the most of it. There isn’t a piece of equipment that this guy won’t try out in a single visit to the gym, lasting less than a minute on each before enthusiastically making his way to the next.
Don’t worry too much about this guy though; you won’t be seeing him again after the first week in February.
Unnecessarily loud guy
Let’s face it, exercise is tough and sometimes you just gotta push yourself that bit harder to make it all worthwhile.
Some guys and gals, however, let out groans that would make Maria Sharapova blush and they often don’t know about it either because they can’t hear themselves through those fancy noise-cancelling Beats by Dre headphones.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger wannabe
Every gym has at least one guy who has more muscles on him than a Mr. Universe convention and boy does he like to show them off.
Interestingly enough, this guy spends more time walking slow laps of the gym to make sure everyone sees him rather than doing actual exercise; one admittedly impressive bench press might be his lot for an evening’s work.
That said, one withering look from this guy at the puny weights you’re lifting in comparison is enough to scare you off the gym for weeks.
Ridiculously sweaty guy
Sweating is a given when going to the gym; it’s what you’re there to do after all. Sweating at a normal rate is one thing, however, but some dudes seemingly have a tap that they can’t turn off as soon as they start working out.
Worst thing is, the same guy is usually the one who forgets to bring a towel and is the guy that was on a bench or a machine just before you without wiping it down before he leaves.
Ugh.
Dangerously clumsy guy
The gym can be a dangerous enough place at times, especially when you’re working out next to a guy who’s so clumsy he’d manage to fall to the ground in an anti-gravity simulator.
Bumping into people, throwing around dumbbells with carefree abandon, falling off treadmills; these guys are easily identified and avoided for your own personal safety.
Chatty McChatterson
For some people, just going to the gym provides satisfaction enough, even if not a bead of sweat was dropped while they were there. As a result, they while away the time chatting, either to people who are there for exactly the same purpose, or vulnerable strangers who they’ve preyed upon from afar.
The Geordie Shore-loving vain guy
Liking any programme with Shore in the title is entirely your business and a matter of personal taste, but it has spawned a generation of youngsters who have a unhealthy interest in their own vanity and aren’t afraid to show it.
Unfortunately, the practise of men taking off their tops and comparing six packs or bicep diameters in the mirror is now a common one and we reckon the buck stops with Gaz, Snooki and the others who form the cast of these intellectually-lacking but incredibly popular programmes.
The impossibly flexible girl
You can barely visit a gym these days without seeing a lad or a lady carrying out impossible-looking stretches and putting their body into unnatural positions of the type that would put Dhalsim from Street Fighter in the ha’penny place.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with these people, of course, but your sense of inadequacy will vastly increase upon encountering them.
The all up in your personal space guy
Space can be at a premium in the gym, especially at this time of year, and there are some who simply don’t respect boundaries. That sensation you can feel behind you? It’s this guy, breathing down your neck.
The guy who takes up three benches at once
Queues for equipment in the gym aren’t uncommon, particularly earlier in the year. It doesn’t matter to this guy if there’s a queue as long as Coppers on All-Ireland Final night, however; he’s doing three exercises on three different benches and nobody but nobody is going to get near them until he’s finished.
The guy who’s inappropriately dressed but doesn’t even know it
Those bicycle shorts are meant to be worn underneath a pair of shorts, fella. Speedos in the sauna? In 2015? Really? And by the way, your left bollock is hanging out from under your shorts there pal.
The constantly seeking approval guy
Much like the Arnie wannabes (see above) these guys are in the gym as much for vindication and for recognition as for working out.
Completion of a particularly difficult set will be followed by a 360 degree scan of the gym to see who was watching and, if a nod of approval isn’t granted, this guy is liable to go full Maximus and roar “Are you not entertained?” at the top of his voice.
Gadget guy
A set of headphones and a phone or an iPod is practically mandatory in the gym these days, but there isn’t a fitness gadget alive that this guy doesn’t have and is especially keen to let the world know about it.
From distance covered to calories shed to heart-rate, BMI and an actual scientific measure of his own self esteem, there’s nothing this guy can’t track as long as he manages to avoid tripping on all of the wires that make him look as if he’s had a run-in with a circuit board.
The accidental farter
When you’re busting a gut to make that last rep, control of your bodily functions is at an all-time low and some folk can’t help it if a fart or two escapes from down there.
On the other hand, the accidental farter can often be found in classes where relaxation is the key, such as Bikram Yoga, where it is far more likely to be noticed than in the middle of a gym when the music is blaring and everyone is minding their own business.
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