Five Greens who might do better for Ireland than Paul Green

After Paul Green’s poor performance against Russia and ahead of Tuesday's match against Slovakia, JOE has compiled five other Green’s who might have performed better than the Derby man.

By Conor Hogan

We aren’t sure if Paul Green’s performance on Friday was the worst of his career, but frankly it is never a good sign when people afterwards start saying things like ‘he’s no Keith Andrews’. We don’t want to be cruel, he tried his best, but surely it is time he put away his international dream and allowed someone else to take over.

It might be too much to ask for Trapattoni to call-up Wigan’s James McCarthy, but he might definitely take a look at these five candidates who could surely do no worse than the Derby County central midfielder.

1. The Green Lantern

Admittedly, he doesn’t have a hell of a lot of footballing experience at international level, but his ability cannot be doubted. For instance, he can travel through time, and as such he could have helped prevent the three Russian goals from being scored.

He can fly beyond the speed of light, which while against the laws of the Universe is not technically a foul according to FIFA’s rulebook. He can place humans, for instance Andrei Arshavin, in suspended animation (again not technically against the laws of the game).

These are all thanks to his power ring, which has been referred to as ‘the most powerful weapon in the Universe’. Unfortunately, FIFA doesn’t allow you to wear jewellery on the pitch which might be a problem; however the wearer of the power ring also possesses telepathic ability, so maybe he can convince the referee to allow him to wear it.

This would be against FIFA’s rules, but no more so than Robbie Keane diving for a penalty. There have been many different Green Lanterns in history, including Alan Scott, John Stewart, Guy Radner and Kilowog, but we’ll go for Hal Jordan for the Irish team, as he will be the one played by Ryan Reynolds in the upcoming Hollywood movie.

2. Paul Green (Lincoln City)

Paul Green’s namesake began his career at Aston Villa before he was released and joined League Two Lincoln City. He was their club's best player last season, winning the Lincoln City Player of the Year, Players Player and Website Player of the Year awards.

He plays mostly as a right back, and knowing Trap as we do he would probably be picked ahead of Seamus Coleman. We have no idea if he has any Irish in him, but does have a big Irish head on him.

3. Reverend Green (Cluedo)

The hypocritical Vicar from the board game Cluedo has a a slight weakness. He's partial to a bit of murder. With Ireland outnumbered in midfield during Friday’s match with Russia, he would have been ideal. Very soon Russia would have been down to nine or less men through no fault of their own. Of course, murder is definitely not allowed in football matches, and will at the very least earn you a yellow card.

It might be best to show Reverend Green a video of Holland's dirty dirty Mark van Bommell and Nigel de Jong beforehand in order that he might well pick up some tips on how to avoid getting caught.

4. The Green Giant

The Green Giant is even taller than Ireland’s tallest ever player, Niall Quinn, as he stands at an incredible 60 feet in height. He also has surprisingly good feet for a big man.

He can cover the entire length of the pitch in one step, and he can block any shot from going in the goal just by standing in front of it. He does talk about peas and sweetcorn a bit too much though.

5. Eva Green

The Franco-Swedish actress has starred in many films including The Dreamers, Casino Royale and Kingdom of Heaven, and has recently been cast in the Television series Camelot. We have no idea what her footballing ability is, but featuring her in this list allows us to use a photograph of her.