So what have RTE done with our TV license money for their summer schedule?

The day has finally arrived, TV license-payers – RTE have announced their summer TV schedule. Was it worth the forcible removal of your €160?

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OK then, RTÉ – impress me.

Not a problem. How do you feel about John “mother****ing” Creedon hosting a brand new series entitled ‘Creedon’s Cities’?

Who? Wait… what?

Ah come on, you know him. He presents The John Creedon Show on RTÉ Radio 1? Some people call him ‘Creedo’? He was a judge on The All Ireland Talent Show for God’s sake; you must know the man.

Sorry, he’s still not ringing a bell.

He has a Wikipedia page and everything so you know he’s a big deal. Well anyway, he’ll be travelling to Dublin, Cork, Limerick and Galway to meet the people that make each city so special and find out more about their hometowns. Sounds outrageous, if you ask us.

No, no it doesn’t. What else have you got for me?

Chaplin: The Waterville Picture, which will retell the story of the silent movie icon's love for the Kerry town.

That’s an actual thing?

Yep. It’s sure to appeal to the handful of potential viewers out there that love Charlie Chaplin’s movies but want to discover more about the times he used to occasionally go on holidays in Kerry. Well if that doesn’t grab you, how about ‘Martin & Paul's Surf'n'Turf’?

Explain.

You’ll love this. Chefs Martin Shanahan and Paul Flynn will travel to eight seaside locations in Ireland, source local produce and create a signature dish for the area in 24 hours. It’s the next time-constrained, seafood-related TV phenomenon and the folks at RTÉ thought of it first.

These aren’t the highlights of RTÉ’s announcement today, are they? Surely you’re holding back some of the bigger shows from me?

You’re right, we are. As it turns out, we are proud to announce that The Big Money Game will return with brand new presenters – Sinead Kennedy and Brian Ormond! Brian. Ormond. Boom!

Nobody cares about Brian Ormond – he’s a poor man’s Ray Shah! Either you’re saving the best for last or this is the most boring TV schedule announcement I’ve heard of.

OK granted, there’s not much for us to work with here. We’re quite intrigued by something called ‘Cracking Crime and Truckers’ – while ‘Ireland outside the Euro?’ sounds like a far-fetched post-Apocalyptic drama in the style of The Road.

Meanwhile, if you’re a fan of Fair City or incredibly intrusive Spar product placement, you’ll be delighted to hear that the soap is promising “a wedding, an engagement, an injured child and teenage heartbreak”. Now if there’s one thing Irish TV viewers love, it’s an injured child.

Sigh. What have RTÉ had to say for themselves then?

Lots, and it’s all positive:

"There is so much to look forward to and the entertainment won't just be confined to the various sports arenas, with the return of firm favourites like the Rose of Tralee, Saturday Night with Miriam and For One Night Only,” reckons Glen Killane, MD of RTÉ Television.

"If we can get some decent weather and some good results in Poland, London and in Croke Park, it just might be the tonic we all need in these difficult times." What a cheeky chappy he is.

Difficult times, indeed. Are any bookies taking bets on the injured child yet at least? Hopefully I can make my €160 back soon enough...

We're not sure but we like where your head’s at.