As we all know, Bertie Ahern is currently in Nigeria telling them how great a job he did running things here. But who are these lads hiring out Bertie and who else do they have for rent?

So Bertie is getting a few nixers?

He is, sure you could hardly expect him to survive on a six-figure pension now do you?

So what is it exactly he is up to?

Bertie is one of the many speakers for hire available from the Washington Speakers Bureau, a body whose motto is “Connecting you with the world’s greatest minds”. Indeed.

Most reports today are suggesting that you can get Bertie for a mere €30,000, plus expenses of course, but RTE reported last week a figure that was double that for a Bertie speech. Either way, it’s a fair whack of dough for 60 minutes of Bertie-time.

So what does Bertie give you for your money?

Well he has four speeches at his disposal, so depending on which one you want, he will hit you with Peace through Inclusive Dialogue: Ireland’s Journey; Prime Minister as CEO; Leadership in Changing Times: What it Takes to Succeed or The Future Role of the European Union on the World Stage.

No Horse Racing tips for Dummies or Banking without an account; a Ministers tale?

Strangely no but we’re sure he takes questions from the floor.

If you don’t fancy Bertie coming to your Christmas party then who else do the Washington Spakers Bureau have on their books?

It would be easier to list who they don’t have. They have former US President George W Bush, another ‘great mind’, and two former Prime Ministers from across the water, John Major and Tony Blair.

There’s any amount of US politicians (Sarah Palin, John Bolton), sports stars (Sugar Ray Leonard, Pat Riley), celebrities (Joan Collins, David Blaine) and three Nobel Prize winners on their books, and for the biggest of the big cheeses, reports suggest you could pay over €200,000.

Bertie’s a bit of a bargain then?

Suppose he is but the guy we want to hear is Chesley B. Sullenberger III.

Who’s he?

Well, he’s better known as ‘Sully’ and he’s the guy who landed the plane safely on the Hudson River in New York a few years back, becoming an instant all-American hero. At least he has a decent story to tell.

Might be better to ask him about avoiding a crash rather than Bertie too, eh?

Hard to argue, we’ll give the lads in Washington a shout and see how much he costs.

Whatever it is it will be better value than Bertie.

You’re probably right.