Life Features

Mark Wahlberg claims he would have stopped 9/11 from happening if he had the chance and it got us thinking about other famous people who could perform their own superhuman acts.

By Darragh Harkin

Shakira’s infallible hips

There are moments in life when the truth needs to be known. Tom Cruise wasn’t ready for it in A Few Good Men, it set John 8:32 free, it mixed itself with lies to make an action flick for Arnie and in general it is harder to find than Wally.

Well since 2006, we have had a solution for this as it’s a known fact that Shakira’s hips don’t lie. They are infallible and yet nobody has ever asked her or her hips to solve problems. Why is it we live in a world where Oprah’s lady bits can hold people at gunpoint (South Park reference there, not real I guess) but we don’t ask the Colombian pop starlet for help?

She could solve many of the world’s problems, but instead is wasting her time and her hips with Gerard Pique. Loco!

Leo Messi saves Saipan.

In an era where football players can sometimes look more fragile than a woodlice-ridden match stick and in a league with the likes of Pepe and Sergio Busquets you have to admire how Lionel Messi goes about his business. He gets kicked from pillar to post, gets his hand stood on, is singled out for special treatment each week and yet never complains. He just gets up and gets on with things no matter how bad things get for him.

It is this amazing attitude (or super power) that could be put to use in previous events and primarily in a certain incident with Roy Maurice Keane and Michael Joseph ‘Mick’ McCarthy in the year 2002. We all know what happened and we all know that Roy wouldn’t listen to anyone as he knew he was right. But if only the 24 year old, three-time world player of the year and the greatest footballer of his generation was an Irishman, maybe it would have been different.

If Keane had been playing car park football with Leo instead of the attacking ‘force’ that was David Connolly and Clinton Morrison, things may have gone very differently. So different in fact that Keane would have stayed and Ireland would have won the World Cup.

Oh Leo, get those skills and that attitude into a time machine right now for all our sakes.

Randy Newman's song writing ability

Maybe you don’t know Randy Newman. He is an Academy award-winning song writer whose ‘Catchphrase’ style song writing has proven catchy and pretty offensive. His ‘say what you see’ technique would get others in trouble but not the loveable Randy as he writes the song portraying another person and thus is already a double agent of sorts.

His Columbo-style attitude of acting dumb but getting results has been effective in song writing so why not espionage? He’s penned offensive songs about being a slave owner, about dropping a nuclear bomb on the rest of the world for not appreciating America and has even had a go at short people by questioning their reason to live. This man not only gets away with it all but then goes on to have a career writing songs for children’s movies. He is a master of being offensive without repercussions so how can we use this to the world’s benefit?

Well the man is clearly a criminal genius and is probably already masterminding some sort of terrorist organisation. So all we can do is hope he doesn’t turn his attention to Ireland and start writing songs about us.

Here he is telling short people that the have absolutely no reason to live. Is he an evil genius, or just kind of dumb? It is hard to say.

Bono: On the Taoiseach’s secret service

Bono is one of the greatest front men in music, he is the most famous Irish person on the planet, is incredibly generous to charity and yet most people think he is a knob. How is this possible?

We all scream along with him in concert singing ‘The Streets Have No Name’ but when you are on your own street, in your own house and he comes on the telly, you feel like smacking him. This ability seems almost unique to Bono and is surely something that could be used in Ireland’s favour?

He has friends in very high places (unlike Garth Brooks) and the ability to get in behind most closed doors. This sort of key to all cities persona could be very useful as a secret agent for Enda Kenny. Imagine Bono over in Frankfurt doing a concert by night and sneaking into the headquarters of the European Central Bank during the day. There on a top secret mission from the Taoiseach, Bono could change around a few things and before we know it, the recession is a thing of the past.

Bono will be the saviour and though the world won’t know it, the secret won’t be kept for long in this country. He will have saved our young people from emigrating, old people will once again have security and the country will thrive once more.

We still wouldn’t like him though. Sorry Bono, but that’s just the way it is.

Hostage situations saved by the Queen of pop.

Think for a moment of a terrorist holding a family member of Michael D Higgins hostage. They are looking for ransom and if their needs are not met they are most definitely willing to take a life. In this situation some top negotiator like Samuel L. Jackson or Kevin Spacey may be sent in to try and talk them around but in my book this system is not good enough. What we need is a new technique that will guarantee results.

So what I suggest is we send in Madonna, get her to flap those crazy, bony, things she calls arms with skin hanging off them around and use it as a distraction. While she is doing this, we get Sergeant Gerry Boyle to sneak in, disarm the terrorist and secure the safety of the president’s family.

Why Madonna and not an attractive woman? Well firstly you are not guaranteed that boobs and ass will distract all men or people whereas the theatre that is Madge’s arms in full flow will. Secondly, if the terrorist figured out what was happening and took his anger out on Madonna would anyone miss her?

I mean, look at this crazy woman’s arms!