The Girlfriend Manual

Last week's initial instalment of our new Girlfriend Manual series ended on the possibility of a bit of an argument. So it makes sense to pick up where we left off, right?

By Amy Wall

You’ve come in from work after a long, hard day. You’re tired and just want to sit on the sofa. Your wife/girlfriend asks you to take out the bins. Suddenly you’re in the middle of an epic fight about something completely different that probably happened months, if not years, ago.

You’re lost and confused and in between bouts of arguing your case, you cast an eye to the sofa forlornly. You better make peace with the fact that your relaxing night won’t be starting any time soon. You can kiss that sofa goodbye, although there’s a good chance you might end up sleeping on it later.

Women are sneaky when it comes to fighting. We have a whole arsenal of tools and manoeuvres specifically designed to shoot you down and win the battle. Don’t believe me? Here are some of our common tactics:

• The Ambush: In a woman’s mind, the best way to start an argument is when you’re not expecting it. Why? Because it gives us a better chance of getting you to do what we want you to. We’re evil. So rather than acting like an adult and discussing the bins with you after you’ve spent an hour relaxing, we’ll pounce on the topic as soon as you come in the door when you’re tired and completely off guard.

• Memory: It has been scientifically proven that men remember specific details about their lives. Women, on the other hand, remember absolutely everything that has ever happened IN THE HISTORY OF ALL TIME. Our memory is so good that we will remind you of stuff you did 4 or 5 years ago. Elephants have got nothing on us.

• Randomness: We will bring up stuff that has got absolutely nothing to do with the current argument in an attempt to confuse you. Example: “I can’t believe you won’t bring the bins out and don’t think I didn’t see you flirting with that blonde at that party in 1999!”

• Endurance: After a certain point you will be so exhausted with the fight that you’ll just give up and walk away but we won’t let you. Oh no. We’re hardwired to keep going.

• Niceness: The nicer we are to you before an argument begins, the less chance you have of winning said argument. When a woman is talking to you quietly rather than screaming at you, get out of there. Like now. We can turn from lovely, understanding girlfriend to Kraken in the space of three minutes.

How do you cope when your woman is intent on starting a fight with you? It’s simple really. Do nothing. Yes, it may go against every single bone in your male body but it is the best thing to do. Just stand there and stare blankly into space. Don’t argue, don’t move - just stand there. At first she’ll probably go mental but eventually she’ll just get fed up. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is fighting with someone who resembles an inanimate object? It’s no fun.

You see, if a man argues back with us it becomes our mission to point out the many, many ways in which he is wrong (because in our minds, you’re always wrong). But if a man just stands there and doesn’t engage, we get bored and eventually realise that we’re wasting valuable shopping/sleeping/eating time. We will wander off and leave you there and probably forget that the entire thing ever happened – until we need to remind you about it in a future fight, that is.

If you simply MUST say something to us during an argument, throw us off guard by doing what we least expect you to do: talk about your feeeeelings. You know those things we’re always banging on about? Nothing will stop us dead in our tracks more than the sight of our boyfriend beginning a sentence with the phrase: “It really hurts my feelings when you…”

It’ll make us feel guilty when we remember that you actually are a human being capable of emotion rather than the heartless arsehole who won’t bring out the bins.

And the easiest way to end a fight? Just tell her that you love her. Even if she’s being mental and you don’t really like her right now and want to tell her to take out her own DAMN bins, it’ll shut her up and ensure that you don’t have to spend the night sleeping on the sofa.