JOE’s Top 5 Toys We Wish Would Come To Life
With audiences dying to see Seth MacFarlane’s foul-mouthed teddy bear come to life in cinemas from August 1, we pondered what childhood toys we wish had also been brought to life.
Before there was FIFA, we all had to make do with Subbuteo. As quaint as it may appear to many of you, this passion involved laying out a giant green pitch and flicking 11 players in the direction of a comically oversized ball.
More than just a substitute for table football, Subbuteo exploded to the point when fans would buy linesmen, cameramen, entire sections of crowd – hell, you could even paint your own, although our efforts always made it appear as though the players had been violated by a giant monochrome blob.
The problem with Subbuteo, however, was that it was so damn difficult to flick a player to the point where he could smack against the ball and hit a goal past a static defence. Plus, your index finger would really start to hurt after a while. Yet if Subbuteo actually came to life, we’d probably charge our friends to watch the competitive bouts amongst the mini footballers.
As one of the few childhood icons who hasn’t been put through the ringer by Hollywood in recent years, He-Man occupies a position that Garfield, The Smurfs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Transformers could only dream of – his reputation is untarnished and if he came to life, you’d be bloody delighted. Think about it; if your Optimus Prime came to life then that would basically make you Shia LaBeouf. Nobody wants that.
With He-Man, however, you’d have a new best friend with a giant 1980s mullet, the worst disguise ever (bar his hair colour, he’s literally identical to his alter ego, Prince Adam…) and an ARMOURED GREEN TIGER named Battle Cat.
If his cry of “I have the power!!” can still give us chills in the opening theme, we’d probably swoon our balls off in real-life.
Anything from Pokemon
Whether they’re selling trading cards, video games or plush toys, Nintendo have made a gazillion (rough estimate) through the power of Pokemon, yet what if Pikachu, Charmander and even the terrifying Mr Mime were real?
For one thing, trips to the countryside or any venture into long grass would need a burly team of Pokemon protectors, though we reckon we could amass a team that would strike fear into any Pokemon trainer opponent, especially if they were children with legions of Pidgeots. Seriously, it’s just a pigeon.
And just like the TV show’s opening credits, we’d make sure that we had a red-and-white baseball cap that we’d turn around at the exact point when sh*t is about to go down.
“Mr Frosty is such fun, he makes drinks for everyone” goes the familiar theme song from the adverts, but it’s not really true, is it? You make the drinks, he just stands there and allows you to rather dubiously create refreshing beverages from his stomach lining.
If anything, a kid with a Mr Frosty quickly grows to hate their toy, as they become veritable barmen for the whims of their friends. How about if Mr Frosty came to life and actually made the drinks himself for a change? He’d need opposable thumbs for one thing, but hopefully Milton Bradley are already on the case with that one.
Granted, stepping on LEGO is probably an illegal form of torture in Saudi Arabia but who hasn’t built a giant castle of bricks, switched off the lights and imagined that there was a little LEGO party going on while you slept? *Cough* Because eh… we certainly didn’t… *Cough*
If LEGO people came to life, it would probably mean that they would have to join the UN or form a country of their own but if anything, their ingenuity and efficiency, not to mention their expertise in beginning and finishing building projects within hours would mean that they would be like a super race of Germans and Chinese.
Could they lead Ireland to a new economic dawn? We’d certainly accept circular pieces of yellow plastic if it can be used as currency.
Ted hits Irish cinemas on August 1.