Star Wars : Episodes I-VI – The bluffer’s guide for people that know nothing

A long time ago...

2015 is a special year for Star Wars fans because Christmas is actually coming early with the release of Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens on December 17th. Not to get too emotional - I'll save that for the screening- but there's a reason why George Lucas' saga still has the ability to excite, enthrall and amaze movie lovers like no other. It has been 38 years since Star Wars: A New Hope was released in cinemas and there's truly something wonderful about the fact that parents and their children are united in their love of Star Wars. The Force Awakens will undoubtedly introduce new fans to best family drama in the galaxy and here's a brief - and not too geeky guide - of the six films that came before J.J Abrams' latest effort.

Episode I : The Phantom Menace

What the Sith is going on? :  A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there was a peaceful Republic made up of different planets and systems. Unknown to the galactic senate, a bunch of rogue planets are threatening to disrupt the peace - for reasons of taxation and trade routes, zzzzzz - but there's a bigger threat that's slowly approaching. The evil Sith - basically the incredibly cool villains of the saga - are slowly returning after being extinct for over a millennium as the Dark side returns. To combat this, our Jedi heroes have discovered a young boy named Anakin Skywalker, a child that has been prophesied to bring balance to the Force. Oh yeah, Anakin also has the hots for a young queen from Naboo named Padmé . The Force is strong with this one: Darth Maul. Not much dialogue but he steals every scene that he's in. Best line: Darth Maul - "At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge" Best scene: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon vs Darth Maul. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHqdESArkqU The Dark Side of the film: Jar Jar Binks. He should be tossed into the Sarlacc pit. Jumping Jedi's, that was great: The podrace was epic. Obi-Wan has taught you well when bluffing to Star Wars fans: Just say that it's the weakest film of them all but Darth Maul was cool. Don't mention those midichlorians though.

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

What the Sith is going on? : Remember those planets that were breaking away from the Republic? Well, they've managed to grow in strength and even rally a former Jedi turned Sith Lord named Count Dooku to their cause. Unknown to the Jedi, they're also getting help from the mysterious Chancellor Palpatine who plans on bringing down the political system from the inside. To combat the rising threat, the Republic have commissioned an army of clones but not everything is as it seems with them. Meanwhile Anakin and Padmé begin a romance that belongs in the realms of Days of Our Lives. The Force is strong with this one:  Obi-Wan Kenobi. There's so much bad writing and CGI heavy set-pieces in this film but the scenes with Ewan McGregor excel because you can genuinely see his transformation into Alec Guinness. Best line: Count Dooku to Anakin "I sense great fear in you, Skywalker. You have hate… you have anger… but you don’t use them.” Best scene: Anakin slaughtering the sand people who murdered his mother. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UhQ9uuM-YQ The Dark Side of the film: Nearly every scene that requires Hayden Christensen to speak is woeful due to a mixture of bad writing and some misguided Joey Tribbiani-esque 'fart acting'. Jumping Jedi's, that was great: The moment Yoda pulls out his lighsaber to square off against Dooku gave us goosepbumps but it wasn't as good a fight as Obi-Wan's smackdown with Jango Fett in the rain. Obi-Wan has taught you well when bluffing to Star Wars fans: Just say that CGI will never replace practical effects and realistic sets. This is the reason why you've got hope for The Force Awakens.

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

What the Sith is going on? : It's full on war now as the Jedi's are really struggling to keep the peace. The rebellious droid army - led by the ass-kicking but evil General Grievous - are launching an all-out attack on planets around the galaxy. Meanwhile, Anakin's descent into the Dark Side is gathering pace which isn't a good thing, especially since his wife Padmé is pregnant. The Force is strong with this one: The Emperor. As you may know, we're massive Star Wars geeks so trust us when we say that Ian McDiarmid's performance in this film is the best of the whole saga. Best line: Anakin Skywalker: Is it possible to learn this power? Supreme Chancellor: Not from a Jedi. Best scene: The birth of Darth Vader was very cool but once again, it's definitely this one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLfGh2b_me0 The Dark Side of the film: Spoiler alert but why did they instantly kill off Padme after she gave birth to Luke and Leia? That decision deleted part of Leia's backstory in Episode IV. Jumping Jedi's, that was great: Execute Order 66! Obi-Wan has taught you well when bluffing with Star Wars fans: It has the best opening sequence of any Star Wars film. Yep, even better than Return of the Jedi.

Episode IV: A New Hope

What the Sith is going on? : The Republic has been replaced by The Galactic Empire as Darth Vader, formerly that cute kid named Anakin, is now hunting down the remaining members of the Rebel Alliance - those people still loyal to the former Republic. Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker has managed to stumble upon two droids that are about to set him off on the adventure of a lifetime after a chance meeting with a certain Obi-Wan Kenobi. His old man won't like that. The Force is strong with this one: Darth Vader. Choking his own henchman, striking down heroes with his lightsaber and chasing the remaining others in his Tie-Fighter. All this without even mentioning the best costume in film history and 'that' voice. Best line: Darth Vader about Luke "The force is strong with this one". Best scene: So many to choose from but it's unquestionably the attack on the Death Star. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WBG2rJZGW8 The Dark Side of the film: George Lucas' decision in the Special Edition version to change the scene between Han and Greedo in the Mos Eisley cantina. All of a sudden, Han Solo looks a lot more psychotic than he should be. Jumping Jedi's, that was great: It's hard to overlook the very first shot of the film as the camera focuses on a seemingly never-ending Star Destroyer that's pursuing Princess Leia's ship. Epic. Obi-Wan has taught you well when bluffing with Star Wars fans: Thank god Leia only gave Luke a small peck on the cheek.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

What the Sith is going on? : It's the greatest sequel of all-time and it continues to be the template for 'darker' installments because the Sith really hits the fan here. After the epic Battle of Hoth, Luke seeks out Yoda to begin his Jedi training while Darth Vader hunts down that scoundrel Han Solo. You don't know the power of the Dark Side until you've seen this film. The Force is strong with this one: Han Solo. Throughout the saga, you get the feeling that Harrison Ford really doesn't give a f**k which makes his character infinitely better. We love the scruffy little nerf herder because he has no moral quest or epic journey throughout these films, he's just a space pirate that wants to get paid. Best line: Darth Vader with the most famous spoiler in history "No Luke, I am your father". Best scene: The most pimptastic delivery of all-time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO-KR-14uXM The Dark Side of the film: It's near perfect. Jumping Jedi's, that was great: The first lightsaber fight between Luke and Darth Vader. Iconic in its imagery. Obi-Wan has taught you well when bluffing with Star Wars fans: It's funny how the first person that got upset after Han was cased in carbonite is Chewie. Best bromance in the galaxy.

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

What the Sith is going on? : Luke's a busy boy. To begin with, he has to save Han Solo from the clutches of Jabba the Hutt but that's just a warm-up for what's to come. The son of Skywalker must face up to his destiny and confront his father but there's one small problem, The Emperor has set his sights on turning him to the Dark Side. Meanwhile, The Empire has almost completed work on the new and improved Death Star meaning that the clock is ticking on the Rebel Alliance.  It's now or never. The Force is strong with this one: Luke Skywalker. I haven't seen The Force Awakens yet but there's some subtle hints about the direction that his character might pursue. Best line: Admiral Akbar after realising that the Death Star is operational "It's a trap!" Best scene: The Emperor's gleeful seduction of Luke to the Dark Side. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIJFDGCg_sc The Dark Side of the film: Ewoks, f**ing Ewoks. Why George, why? Jumping Jedi's, that was great: The speeder chase between Luke, Leia and the stormtroopers on Endor. Obi-Wan has taught you well when bluffing with Star Wars fans: We need to have another look at Luke and the ending. In case you need further information, here's the entire six films distilled into just 182 seconds. Live long and prosper May the Force be with you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_FK0gBQmnk