Navigation menu button

Film Five: Ill-conceived Hollywood remakes

by @JOEdotie
Email author
19785-xlarge

From Total Recall with Colin Farrell to Red Dawn, Hollywood seems obsessed with remaking, rebooting and reimagining old films these days. We’ve decided to pick out five planned remakes that should have been left at the bottom of the barrel.

By Dermot Keys

Lethal Weapon

Why does Warner Bros think we need a Lethal Weapon reboot? Danny Glover really is “too old for this shit” these days while Mel Gibson has become box office Kryptonite.

The incompatible-cops-forming-an-unlikely-partnership format may have worked in 1987 but it just looks hackneyed after a quarter of a century. Looking back, the original is essentially a series of clichés tied together with stereotypes, so good luck to whoever has to adapt it for a modern audience.

On the bright side, this should presumably kill off Gibson’s hopes of a Lethal Weapon 5.

The Birds

Director Dennis Iliadis is set to tackle 1963 classic The Birds, with Naomi Watts playing the lead role. Remaking a cinematic classic is generally a thankless task but attempting to tackle one of Alfred Hitchcock’s most famous films is a very, very bad idea.

Remaking a Hitchcock film implies that you think you can it do better than the ‘Master of Suspense’. It takes a particular brand of arrogance to look at a classic Hitchcock film and think: “Well it’s OK but I think that he should have done X, Y or Z.” This one seems destined to be a dead duck.

Police Academy

The original 1984 film about a team of misfit police trainees wasn’t entirely bad. There was some slapstick humour, cheesy jokes, and a host of one-dimensional characters such as Smarmy Guy, Voices Guy, Tall Guy and Gun Guy.

Sadly, Police Academy’s six sequels provided concrete proof of the law of diminishing returns and any enthusiasm for the franchise swiftly evaporated. You know it’s time to call it a day when Steve Guttenberg turns down a film, as opposed to making another four sequels. It’s safe to say that no-one is looking forward to this one.

Dirty Dancing

Boyfriends and husbands everywhere should be worried about this one. We’re sorry to report that a reboot of 1987 female favourite Dirty Dancing is coming to a cinema near you.

Next year will see domestic discord sweep across the land as men try to avoid being dragged to a new version of the undisputed queen of chick flicks. Think of it as Glee squared as Kenny Ortega, the choreographer from the original, will direct this unholy resurrection.

In addition to irritating a whole new generation of men, he could also face opposition from the film’s notoriously obsessive fan base. To paraphrase the original, nobody should put Baby in a remake.

Scarface

Gangsters, drugs, a coked-up Al Pacino wielding a machine gun, Michelle Pfeiffer, an Oliver Stone screenplay, a menacing electro soundtrack – all of these things make Scarface one of cinema’s greatest films.

The 1983 release may have been a reboot in its own right but director Brian De Palma broke the mould with his tale of a psychotic Cuban’s rise to the top of the Miami underworld.

Pacino’s tour de force performance as Tony Montana solidified him as one of his generation’s greatest actors, so only a complete moron would take on this role. So Keanu Reeves will be dusting down his Hawaiian shirt…

Competition

More Happens When You Add Zero–Win a Holiday with Coke Zero Find out more

Tinder logo

Features

Pic: This could be the greatest opening line ever used on Tinder
Sporting Clube de Portugal v Chelsea FC - UEFA Champions League

Champions League

Chelsea’s Twitter account produced an all-time classic typo tonight
Tommy Walsh's house

News

Video: The entire Kilkenny panel descend on Tommy Walsh’s house looking for divilment
Tommy Walsh 28/6/2014

News

Video: Superb GAA jersey magic trick entertains Tommy Walsh and the Kilkenny panel during their celebrations
nidge

TV & Radio

Video: Latest Love/Hate teaser features a very scary Nidge and a baseball bat
coppers

Home News

Copper Face Jacks is going on tour and hitting the ski slopes
wengerqanda

Premier League

Pic: This infographic showing Arsenal’s history of injures over 10 years is incredible
wengerqanda

Premier League

Pic: This infographic showing Arsenal’s history of injures over 10 years is incredible
Villarreal CF v FC Barcelona - La Liga

Football

Barcelona’s Gerard Pique says, even now, Roy Keane scares the sh*t out of him
vangaal

News

Kilkenny amateur team Brookville AFC offer Manchester United a dig out
Fran Love hate

TV & Radio

Video: New Love/Hate teaser clip features Fran and his false teeth
"The Class Of 92" - World Premiere - Red Carpet Arrivals

Champions League

Vine: Paul Scholes couldn’t resist a dig at Manchester City fans on ITV last night
rugbyleaguebrawl

News

Video: Massive Australian rugby league brawl features the most Australian commentary ever
tak3n

Trailers

Video: The first official trailer for Taken 3 is here
UFC Fight Night - Bisping v Le

MMA

Pic: UFC fighter tests positive for PED’s and when you see the photos you will see why…
Marquinhos

Champions League

Vine: PSG defender Marquinhos’ hurling celebration against Barcelona is class
Aston Villa v Leyton Orient - Capital One Cup Second Round

News

Michael O’Leary offers free flights to Jack Grealish’s family if he declares for Ireland
Screen Shot 2014-10-01 at 14.57.44

Features

Video: We’re definitely not jealous of these Irish lads having the craic in Thailand
alancrowley

Home News

Video: Irish guy makes amazing timelapse of his recovery from plastic surgery after unprovoked drunken assault
Philadelphia Union v Los Angeles Galaxy

Football

The salaries for players in the MLS have been revealed and Robbie Keane isn’t in the top five
Oliver Letterman

TV & Radio

Video: John Oliver tries to explain the appeal of football to David Letterman
Premiere Of AMC's "The Walking Dead" 4th Season - Arrivals

TV & Radio

Irish actress lands a role in Breaking Bad spin-off Better Call Saul
Bayern Muenchen v Borussia Dortmund - Bundesliga

Champions League

Video: Jurgen Klopp gave a brilliant interview where he talks about porn, Boris Becker and Gerd Muller
Apple Starts iPhone 6 Sales In Germany

Pic of the day

Pic: Ah here, who put the massive iPhone 6 ad on a bent billboard in Berlin
Dundalk EA Sports Cup

League of Ireland

Dundalk midfielder Keith Ward made an incredibly kind gesture to a fan recently
General view of a Tipperary flag 30/5/2010

Home News

Pic: Thurles pay tribute to the international pop star who’s one of their most famous sons
Avengers

News

Movie Wrap: P.T Anderson’s new film has a great trailer, Zombieland 2, Clerks III, X-Men deleted scene and more
Jools Holland

Music

Damien Rice’s performance and all the best bits from Later… with Jools Holland last night
Cameron

World Affairs

Video: Cassetteboy’s David Cameron rap is just fantastic political satire
ferrisbuellercar11

Features

Hollywood Drive of Fame: Ferrari 250GT Spyder California
Villarreal CF v FC Barcelona - La Liga

Football

Barcelona’s Gerard Pique says, even now, Roy Keane scares the sh*t out of him
Ali Frazier

Boxing

We take a look back at the ‘Thrilla in Manilla’ between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, which is 39 years old today
Screen Shot 2014-10-01 at 14.57.44

Features

Video: We’re definitely not jealous of these Irish lads having the craic in Thailand
Captain Morgan TLAP Party

Features

Video: Ahoy mateys! Here be the highlights from Captain Morgan’s record-breaking party
Tim Nilsen Goal

Football

Vine: This spinning, no look, back-heel goal is so good that Zlatan would be proud of it
UFC Fight Night - Bisping v Le

MMA

Pic: UFC fighter tests positive for PED’s and when you see the photos you will see why…
Tinder logo

Features

Pic: This could be the greatest opening line ever used on Tinder
fleming

Home News

Video: Sean Fleming TD was captured literally eating his words in the Dáil today
CHDHA-301_main1

News

Pics: GoPro set to release affordable entry-level HERO camera
nidge

TV & Radio

Video: Latest Love/Hate teaser features a very scary Nidge and a baseball bat
Send in a story and earn some cash