They say you should never judge a book by its cover, but can you judge a 2012 movie by its trailer? Let’s hope so, as we’ve decided to punish ropey looking films.
5. Men in Black III
It’s the sequel that nobody wanted – ten years later. Watch the first 30 seconds of the below trailer for Men in Black III and tell me if you think Hollywood had added anything fresh in the intervening years since the absolute stinker that was Men in Black II.
Actually, they’ve added time travel, which is apparently the reason why the film halted mid-production and was massively delayed for its return, as its scriptwriters had fully figured out the kinks and plot holes that it would entail.
In other words, this $215 million movie didn’t have a completed script when filming began. Not even another Will Smith tie-in rap can save it now.
4. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Yes, someone apparently asked for a sequel to Nicolas Cage’s Ghost Rider. Considering that the actor apparently has massive debts and is scrambling to sell his multiple worldwide houses at knockdown prices, he’ll pretty much sign up to anything right now.
In recent years, we’ve noticed that the quality of Cage’s hairpiece in a movie is directly related to how good the movie ends up being. In this case, Spirit of Vengeance could be an absolute horror show. Though obviously it will never top Bangkok Dangerous in the awful film/hair combination stakes.
3. GI Joe: Retaliation
Is Bruce Willis becoming the new Nicolas Cage? With Expendables II and a GI Joe sequel on his slate for next year, not to mention an awful-sounding Die Hard sequel (A Good Day to Die Hard – seriously, that’s the title), Willis is dangerously close to straight-to-DVD territory.
Curiously enough, the producers of GI Joe: Retaliation have decided to kill off nearly the entire cast of the original GI Joe movie (not a bad idea when it included Channing Tatum) and replaced them with the aforementioned Willis and the muscular cow-shaped star that is The Rock. Yes, it will be awful but in its defence, at least it’s promising ninjas fighting on the sides of mountains.
2. John Carter
Have you heard of John Carter? No? Well that’s a shame, as it will be released in three months and has a confirmed production budget of $250m. Actually, there are reports that it may even have cost $350m, which would make it the most expensive movie of all time and ensure that it will need at least $700m worldwide to break even.
We should mention that only one movie ever released in March has grossed over $500m worldwide, Alice in Wonderland, which benefited enormously ($1 billion+) from Johnny Depp, director Tim Burton and the immediate post-Avatar demand for 3D.
Based on pulp novels that have a cult following and featuring zero stars, unimpressive CGI and a ‘Mars’ setting that looks suspiciously like Arizona, John Carter could be the flop of the decade, never mind 2012.
1. The Three Stooges
Sometimes when a director has an idea for a project that ultimately falls apart, they should just move on. In this case, the Farrelly Brothers, directors of Dumb and Dumber, There’s Something About Mary and nothing worth watching in the past 15 years, wanted to reboot The Three Stooges.
They came close, with the bizarre trio of Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn and Jim Carrey once linked to their effort, but eventually had to settle on the unknown trio of Will Sasso, some other guy and what’s his face.
Throw in some completely outdated slapstick, the worst iPhone joke you have ever seen and ‘comedy’ sound effects and you have what is undoubtedly set to be the must-not-see event of the year. And don’t even get us started on the Jersey Shore cameos…
