World affairs

Okay everyone, here’s why you shouldn’t shove random objects up your arse. Not only can you injure yourself, you can also potentially injure others.

A college student from West Virginia is suing a fraternity for negligence, claiming he fell off a deck because a bottle rocket went off in another student’s rectum. Yes, their rectum. As in, someone willingly set off a bottle rocket in their behind. What a genius.

Louis Helmburg III of Marshall University is suing the Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity as well as rocket-arse Travis Hughes, claiming that he suffered injuries at a party in 2011.

His injuries came after Hughes, who was drunk, attempted to fire a bottle rocket from his anus. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time…

The lawsuit contends that instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff, caused him to jump back and subsequently fall off the deck. Let’s see…which do you think would hurt more? A fall off a deck or a rocket going off in your bum?

Helmburg claims that he suffered pain, medical expenses and lost playing time on the college’s baseball team (oh no!). He also says that the fraternity was negligent in supervising its guests and members.

Meanwhile no information is known about Hughes’ medical condition after he used his anus as a rocket launcher. We bet he’s probably having trouble sitting down…