Grooming

Body hair, or no body hair? Irishmen haven’t been this bitterly divided on an issue since the Treaty. Here’s JOE’s two cents.

By Robert Carry

We can’t help but hark back to a simpler time when men were comfortable in their own skin and could happily walk around the front garden in summer time sporting what looked like a dead ferret on their chest. With no hairless wonders to contrast against, women were largely ambivalent towards the issue. But then something changed – and changed dramatically.

In 1999 Ryan Giggs dribbled his way through the Arsenal rearguard during an FA Cup semi-final and blasted home what was one of the best goals ever scored in the tournament. In celebration, he whipped off his jersey and wheeled away towards the delirious United fans. In doing so, Ryan revealed a silky coat of man hair all over his torso. People, primarily women people, were unimpressed.

Over the following decade, footballers continued to whip off their jerseys during goal celebrations and to exchange shirts at the final whistle, but the body hair was suddenly absent. People, primarily women people, were impressed.

The reaction of the male population to this and other TV-generated pressures to get rid of the chest fro, differed wildly. Some embraced the concept, while others were infuriated by the very idea of removing their tresses.

Men who cling bitterly to their body hair will become the modern day’s bushy-pitted women.

When it comes down to it, body hair was clearly designed to help us retain heat. The advent of clothes, however, has rendered it useless. It serves no purpose other than to alienate women who don’t like hairy men.

Think back to the last time you were on a beach and your view was obscured by a man with a thick, matted, coat of greased up body pubes. Universally disgusting. It may be an extreme example but the principal still holds – body hair is being blacklisted.

It may seem like a strange, new, unwelcome turn, but there is nothing novel about a God-given physical attribute suddenly becoming repulsive to the opposite sex. It’s looking increasingly likely that the men who cling bitterly to their body hair will become the modern day’s bushy-pitted women. Ugh.

Theories abound as to why this is the case. Studies from the University of Leeds have indicated that the advent of the pill has triggered hormonal changes in women. With their hormones bottoming out, they are no longer interested in the physical attributes often triggered by high testosterone production such as body hair, and are instead attracted to the more metrosexual man. This may or may not be the case, but the fact of the matter is women, in increasing numbers, want men to get rid.

It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that in the very near future, the only part of the body on which it will be acceptable to have hair will be the head and the eyebrows. Happily, we’re not quite there yet. That said, there is still plenty of trimming to be done.

Legs

Unless you’re an Olympic-standard swimmer trying to cleave off those precious milliseconds by making yourself more aerodynamic, there is no real reason to start Imacing your pins. We suggest you leave them as they are.

Armpits

Long armpit hair retains heat during exercise and triggers excess perspiration. It also means you use more deodorant/antiperspirant. Shaving it can lead to irritation, but trimming it to a tidy length every couple of weeks leads to a neater look and will do away with much of the heat retention problem. It takes less than a minute. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the Ozone layer.

Chest

This is one of the contentious ones. Many men are going for a completely bald chest and stomach area and it seems to be a look many women are into. Going the whole hog and getting weekly wax jobs or permanent hair removal treatments might not be for everyone, but the least you should be doing is trimming to a short, neat length with a body trimmer or clippers. Give it a try – at the very least it will add instant definition while giving a nostalgic reminder of what your body looked like when you were 17.

Back and Shoulders

There are still some old school women out there who are into hairy chests, but you have to go a long way to find one who enjoys running her fingers through long, luxurious back hair. This is a no-brainer – shave it, wax it or Imac it.

Down below

This is a whole other kettle of fish and may be a debate for another day. We will, however, add one thing on the subject – how would you like it if you went down on a girl and discovered a trouser fro? Exactly.