13 people who could have starred in a horror movie...
Forget about Freddy Krueger, Mike Myers et al, here are 13 characters who would really have you trembling if they appeared in a horror flick.
By Darragh Harkin
There are no two ways about it, Pat Evans or Pat Butcher or Fat Pat is a scary lady. The EastEnders character is the kind of lady who could scare a gay woman straight whilst knocking back a brandy and picking out a new pair of dangly earrings. With her own unique dress sense and loud mouth style, Pat somehow has a reputation of a bit of a man-eater.
Nelly Furtado can sleep easy though as Pat will be leaving the soap this Christmas time with rumours suggesting she is to be killed off only to reappear each Halloween to haunt and flirt with the residents of the square.
Most Suitable Horror Film: Sweeney Todd. Well she was a butcher and she does live in London.
It’s the same dream every time. You are in Vegas having a great time with your mates when nature’s call forces you to depart the blackjack table for a bathroom break. A few wrong turns later and you find yourself front and centre at a Celine Dion gig. She pulls you up on stage and sings until you can no longer breathe and your head pops open like a piñata.
Why am I scarred by this recurring nightmare? Well it could have something to do with this YouTube clip.
Most Suitable Horror Film: The Shining. She managed to ruin a classic song so why not ruin a classic movie.
The Dereks (Davis and Mooney)
Imagine for a moment it’s Friday the 13th and your house has been broken into. You look out the window and there with a cheesy grin, a bag of swag on his shoulder and sitting on top of a mobile mountain is Derek Mooney. Before he escapes into the night he takes a moment to look you dead in the eye and screams BYEEEE!
As frightening as this may be, you can’t take your eyes off it and so glance once more out the window. This is when your night gets even stranger as you realise Mooney wasn’t riding a mobile mountain at all but was just getting a piggy back ride off Derek Davis.
These men would be the creepiest duo in burglary history and would frighten even the mighty Sean O’Brien.
Most Suitable Horror Film: The Hunchback of Notre Donnybrook.
Chyna, the former WWE Wrestler
Simply put, she would eat you alive.
Most Suitable Horror Film: Rosemary’s Baby, with Chyna as Rosemary as I’d like to see the forces of evil try and mess with her.
Imagine these words being narrated by Vincent Price over the music from Psycho.
'Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?' "Spongebob SquarePants"
'Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.' "Spongebob SquarePants"
'If nautical nonsense be something you wish.' "Spongebob SquarePants"
'Then flop on the deck and plop like a fish.' "Spongebob SquarePants"
READY: Spongebob SquarePants, Spongebob SquarePants, Spongebob SquarePants, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!! AH AHH AHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH....
Frightening is not the word for it and yet this is a children’s television show!
Most Suitable Horror Film: Pet Cemetery. Sometimes dead is better!
Better known to you and me as Alf Stewart’s horrible sister from Home and Away, Morag is a woman not to be messed with. A lawyer by trade and all round fuss pot, she is rarely seen without a scowl on her face. The type to eat a bunny rabbit alive and spit it at your feet, I pray you don’t meet her any time soon.
Most Suitable Horror Film: Child’s Play, with Morag in the starring role of Chucky.
I am basing this one solely on the idea that her hips don’t lie. No other person on the planet has hips that tell the truth, lie or even communicate in any way, yet Shakira’s are infallible. She also thinks if her breasts were a bit bigger people may confuse them with mountains! She is a very pretty but slightly crazy Colombian lady who would fit nicely into the world of horror.
Most Suitable Horror: Paranormal Activity. Well if she does have talking hips I think Derek Acorah might want a word with her.
No words are necessary.
Most Suitable Horror: Nosferatu. Click here and you will understand.
She may be a female A.I in a video game but GLaDOS is one of the cruellest and funniest characters in entertainment history. Her wise cracks constantly belittle and demean, yet she is somehow likeable. She is the kind of untrustworthy Artificial Intelligence that will one day kill us all but not before having a cheap pop at how fat you’ve gotten lately.
Most Suitable Horror: 2001: A Space Odyssey. Not sure how HAL would feel about a female A.I on his ship but it would be interesting to see.
In a movie about vampires and werewolves it is this teenage girl and her angst that scare the bejaysus out of me. Bella from Twilight and her desperate need for a boyfriend along with her general surly nature make her a person of horrific proportions.
This scene from the first Twilight movie sums her up as she is actually capable of scaring a vampire! What a monster.
Most Suitable Horror Film: Let the Right One In. Normally you’d let a human in ahead of a vampire but in Bella’s case I’d make an exception.
Any one that is a little bit small has the potential to be creepy. But when you couple this with a strange hand defect and somebody who wanders around pretending to be other people you tend to have a menace on your hands.
Even the theme song to Jeremy Beadles hidden camera show Beadle’s About warned you that the man was not to be trusted. It went: “Watch out Beadle’s about, watch out Beadle’s about, you better watch out cause Beadle’s about”. A haunting melody from what the 80s deemed a family friendly show!
Most Suitable Horror Film: Scary Movie 2. Remember the Butler?
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi
Every word that comes out of the Jersey Shore character's mouth is a little bit terrifying. She may have a heart of gold and the liver of a 55-year-old alcoholic but she has a look and attitude that could scare the pants off a bunch of boy scouts. A guidette and proud, this tanned monstrosity is not someone I would like calling to my door on October 31st.
Most Suitable Horror Film: The Thing.
Daft Punk make great music, they make great music videos and are generally just great. My problem is the futuristic robot gimmick they have been using for well over a decade now.
Why do they refuse to show their faces? What have they got hiding under those helmets and should we all be a bit wary when they speak of Robot Rock? Is there a cyborg uprising on the cards headed by the French musical duo? Be afraid, be trés peur.
Most Suitable Horror Film: Halloween. Michael Myers wears a mask as he kills so these two would fit in nicely.