Here are the 5 best movies on the telly for your Valentine’s Night in

Get your romance on!

Inexplicably, some TV channels are showing something non-romantic stuff. Listen, we're all for counter-programming, but if you're going to do that, at least make the alternatives good! Terrible DeNiro/Pacino murder mystery Righteous Kill? Dumb-as-a-big-bag-of-bricks The Expendables? 100% joke-free "comedy" Grown Ups 2? No thanks. Here is our pick of the flicks for tonight: THURSDAY 14 FEBRUARY Valentine's Day - ITV2 - 6.30pm Bradley Cooper, Julia Roberts, Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Biel, Taylor Lautner and... are we reading this right?... Taylor Swift (??!?!?!) star in this ode to V-Day. It... isn't good. But it is clever to show it today, so we're giving it marks for that, at least. Allied - FilmFour - 9.00pm Brad Pitt and Marion Cottilard play a pair of sexy double agents in World War II who fall in love and get married, but a new mission pits (Pitts?) them against each other. Think of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but set 70 years ago, and replace the comedy with actual dramatic distrust. Actually, stop thinking of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, because the more we think about it, the more we realise the comparison doesn't work at all. Fifty Shades Of Grey - ITV2 - 9.00pm Dakota Fanning is the wannabe-writer who interviews handsome billionaire Jamie Dornan, who soon develops a bit of a fixation on her, and then invites her into his world of whips and chains and swings and stuff. Really, if you're going to watch this, you might as well watch some high-end porn, in which case PornHub has some good news for you today... Kill Bill Vol. 1 - Syfy - 10.00pm The Bride gets revenge on everyone who ruined her wedding. And also who tried to kill her and stuff. Ex Machina - FilmFour - 11.25pm Domhnall Gleeson is invited out to tech genius Oscar Isaac's hideaway to spend some time with his new invention, a completely self-aware android (played to perfection by Alicia Vikander). A clever, creepy three-hander develops, which also includes one of the best dance scenes in recent movie history. You'll know it when you see it.