Is there anything to be said for another mass?
Everybody in JOE would like to wish all of our brilliant readers and their families a very Happy Christmas. We hope that Santa was good to you and that you’re not reading this article on your phone in mass. *Cough, cough*
Even if you’re like Fr. Jack and don’t even believe in God, Christmas Day mass is an institution for Irish people, but we’ve always wanted to see what it would be like if some of our favourite Father Ted priests had to deliver the sermon.
Deciding on the positions from 30-21 was more torturous than a conversation with Father Stone while the list of priests from 20-11 caused more controversy than a screening of The Passion of St Tibulus.
Without further delay here’s our top 10 ranking.
10) Fr Fintan Fay
There would be so much craic in mass if the self-proclaimed ‘monkey priest’ had to deliver the sermon because we imagine that he might be tempted to climb up on top of the altar and throw some stuff around.
It seems that everyone is able to understand his unique, gibbering one-syllable noises, so that’s the reading taken care of, but there’s one thing to note if he shows up. 1) Don’t let him see his reflection, 2) he still doesn’t know that he’s actually a priest.
We’re going to give Father Fay the benefit of the doubt though because his gospel might be so thought-provoking and inspirational that it produces a spontaneous round of applause, just like that time on the plane when everyone was moved by his elegant speech as to why he deserved a parachute.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2euX1XTklw
9) Fr Noel Furlong
Christmas Day mass would definitely be energetic if it was said by Ireland’s most hyperactive priest. Plus, he might just stick on the old Riverdance album also if things started to drag a bit.
There’s more to Noel though because the St. Luke’s Youth Group might also tag along for some musical entertainment, although we’re still fairly sure that they’re sticking to their self imposed exile in Paraguay.
If your local mass needs a bit of livening up then Fr Furlong can do all of the following:
Tell a few ghost stories, sing Bohemian Rhapsody or organise a screeching contest.
Just don’t get caught talking during mass by him because you wouldn’t want to end up on his enemy list. You’re in for it now Tony.
8) Fr Jack Hackett
We’re very unsure about Jack’s ability to channel the Holy Spirit and inspire his parishioners then again, wouldn’t that be an ecumenical matter?
Any mass given by a sober Jack would probably involve plenty of discipline (brimstone and beatings via hurls are quite popular with him) and he might also be tempted to throw a wet t-shirt competition. Cue Fr Jack saying: “more holy water”.
Jack doesn’t seem to be the ‘perfect’ fit to top our list because we’re fairly sure that there has never been a member of the clergy that was foul-mouthed, ill-tempered, lecherous and alcoholic. *Cough, cough*
All this being said, you have to love a man who can boast all of the following:
First priest to denounce The Beatles.
The only priest who hit Fr Ted with a car and a hammer. Also, who can forget that that time when he put a spider in Ted’s mouth?
The only viable Irish candidate for the position of Pope despite not even believing in God.
Regards the needy as “a shower of bastards”.
Hates strangers… and people he knows.
All this without mentioning his undoubted quality as a footballer or his iron liver that can withstand Toilet Duck, Castor Oil and an entire bottle of Dreamy Dreamy Nighty Snoozy Snooze.
For those of you that never heard of Fr Jack then be warned, he also goes by the alias of Flipper, Flipper the priest.
Jack’s vocabulary may be limited but we’re certain that he could still crack us up. We would definitely be happy campers to see him on the altar today.
7) Fr Liam Finnegan
We rate the dancing priest very highly here in JOE Towers simply because “there’s always more than one way to praise God you know?”.
That’s why the dancing priest is a must-have for all you mass-goers that like to shake your tail feather to the sacraments.
It’s a shame that his extreme addiction to dancing proved to be fatal in the end but it really was his own fault, he just couldn’t cut the dancing down to at least twelve hours a day.
If Fr Finnegan was alive then we’re certain that we would be treated to some brilliant stories about the time when he danced across America to promote peace and goodwill.
It’s a shame that he was mugged once every fifteen miles though on his travels.
6) Fr Ted Crilly
While we couldn’t 100% trust Fr Curly Crilly with any money that’s just ‘resting’ in the collection plate, the story about him flying to Las Vegas when that poor child should have been in Lourdes is still on our minds, we still can’t help but love Craggy Island’s most famous priest.
Fr Ted’s ability to give a good mass seems to be mixed though which is an odd thing to say about a Golden Cleric winning priest.
He’s obviously talented, winning the All-Priests Stars in Their Eyes Lookalike Competition and the All Priests 5-a-Side Over 75s’ Indoor Football Challenge Match speaks for itself, but what about the questionable behaviour?
There’s just too many question marks hanging over the man plus he still pines for the ‘bright lights and glamour’ of Wexford.
We’re doing our best to ignore that whole ‘racist’ thing, his involvement in the whistle theft, the wild accusations of raffle fixing, his misguided promotion of The Passion of St Tibulus and his record for world’s shortest mass.
He still has a gift when it comes to talking with the parishioners though.
In all seriousness, Father Ted is arguably one of the greatest characters that has ever been created and it’s a tribute to the wonderful performance of Dermot Morgan and the superb writing on the show that allows Ted to be the central character for which all these incredible moments occur.
He’s not quite our most dysfunctional priest though because he does give an extremely quick mass…
…and not all his of parishioners enjoy his sermons. Ah Jaysus!
5) Fr Barty Dunne
Christmas is the season of the old hehehe goodwill and ah-haha merriment so by that logic there should be no better man than, it’s was the type of ah-haha, priest who is the very definition of craic.
Laughter is infectious so we imagine that the whole church would be in rapturous after hearing Barty’s story about how Fr Jack lost his slippers.
How long is his mass? FOUR HOURS!
4) Fr Larry Duff
If your local priest can’t make mass then you could do a lot worse than call Fr Larry Duff. He’s tremendous fun. G’wan, give him a call. Sure what’s the worst that could happen?
It’s always hanging fine with Larry although he does have an unfortunate habit of almost killing himself whenever he picks up a phone.
Who would think that one man could survive an avalanche, being mauled by rottweilers, having knives thrown at them and stapling his own ear?
It’s probably not a good idea to call him when he’s driving.
3) Fr Liam Delieverance
The man with the greatest name in the history of time is always welcome in our church simply because we would give anything to hear him refer to the parishioners as, “cowboys Ted! They’re a bunch of cowboys”.
Maybe he could also persuade some of the women in attendance to wear one of his mammies dresses?
Liam will always get our nod though because he’s a devout man of the cloth. We all know that he had to get tough on the previous winner of The Lovely Girls competition after she was caught in that film, Stallion Farm.
Plus he seems to go out of his way to treat people fairly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89RwsGe-fSw
We imagine that Fr Deliverance would actually spend the entire mass ripping, destroying and critiquing every single item of woodwork, carpentry and furniture on display whilst gleefully declaring this craftsmanship to be “shoddy, shoody workmanship”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MmrkaqwUfg
2) Fr Dougal McGuire
There is approximately 1,045,237 reasons as to why this man, who collected 5 crisp packets to join the clergy, should say Christmas Day mass but this clip offers more reasons why Dougal is a definite yes than I could ever express.
1) Fr Fintan Stack
If your local priest gets struck down with ‘Hairy Hands Syndrome’ and can’t say Christmas Day mass then there is only one man that you should turn to.
You just have to break him out of St Clabbart’s first.
Ok, Fr Stack has absolutely NO interest in turning up, in fact he might only show up so he can drive your car into a wall, but god almighty would mass be interesting if he did make an appearance.
Just don’t call him a ‘rude man’ because he might retaliate by calling the parishioners a ‘pair of wankers’ or threaten to ‘shove their head through a wall’.
Who wouldn’t want to see this happen? Seriously?!?!
Even Liam Neeson doesn’t frighten Fr Stack.
Not only this but he would also probably stand up on the altar whilst drinking whiskey, eating frosties and drilling hole’s through the wall with a power drill.
The institution of mass would be completely reinvented by Fr Stack because the choir would now be replaced with jungle music and standing for the gospel would now be replaced by the act of jumping up and down on someone elses picture frame.
Once again, we would like to wish all of our readers a very happy Christmas and in the immortal words of the man himself, if you don’t agree with our list of Fr Ted priests “then tough. I’ve had my fun and that’s all that matters”. Fr Stack, what a man.
He even made it all the way to the Dail.
Christmas number one for 2015. You heard it here on JOE first.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
