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20th Apr 2017

This is why fans of The Godfather will identify with Theresa May’s snap election announcement


Theresa May has given Britain an offer it can’t refuse.

After getting the keys to 10 Downing Street last summer, Theresa May announced a snap election scheduled for June 8, planning to consolidate her power and gain a mandate to follow through with her Brexit plans. The election will dictate Britain’s future, setting the tone for Brexit and sending Labour to sleep with the fishes.

Theresa May – Michael Corleone

An ambitious and unpredictable leader has taken control of a large, powerful empire and plans to completely revolutionise it. To do so, she must crush her enemies in one fell swoop, unite her following, and show complete commitment to the plan to ensure its success. If I was Jeremy Corbyn, I’d stay away from elevators and massage parlours.

Labour – Barzagli/Cuneo/Stracchi/Tattaglia

Corbyn has a weak standing abroad but is popular in his party, despite the sneering elites. He has ambition and plans for increasing his power, but the election will most likely blow him away quicker than Clemenza’s double barrelled shotgun.

Northern Ireland – Tessio

Still technically on Britain’s side, Northern Ireland voted against Brexit and is secretly plotting a treacherous coup – the looming election brings louder murmurs of a border poll.

Like Tessio, NI is plagued by some inner turmoil – a lack of a functioning executive and the likelihood of direct rule increases the strain on DUP – Sinn Féin relations, and loyalty to the UK continues to wane, especially as the snap election seems to indicate a lack of concern for the fate of the north.

Republic of Ireland – Tom Hagen

Not happy with the decisions of May, exasperated at the prospect of Brexit, ROI is forced to reluctantly accept its fate – whatever that may be. Enda Kenny did get a phone call from May after the announcement. Even if he is not her consigliere, he is still a confidant.

Wales – Luca Brasi

Blindly loyal to Britain, a minor character that doesn’t really have a say in anything – they just do what they’re told.

Scotland – Sonny

Sure to get brutally slaughtered in this election. Sturgeon has called the election a ‘huge political miscalculation’, and it shows little thought for the fate of Scotland, where May and Brexit are wildly unpopular.

The EU – The U.S. Government

Donald Tusk has announced that the election will make no difference to the timeline for Brexit – like the US government’s pursuit of the Corleone crime empire, the EU give no quarter to Britain in their new relationship.