Britain's latest Brexit plan involves asking Ireland to pretend that they've won
We are 71 days away from a no-deal Brexit.
If internal memos being fired around the UK government are to be believed, this means we're on the brink of all-consuming chaos.
Economically, we will see our industries take a hit as imports and exports to our largest single trading partner stall.
From a security standpoint, we will see confusion at the border between North and South the likes of which are unknown to children of the peace process and Good Friday Agreement. Indeed, the UK government anticipate "law and order challenges" in Northern Ireland within a month of Brexit, as well as unsustainable policing demands.
Lastly, long-term thinking will be rendered impossible. The UK has not been able to decide a position on almost any element of their post-EU existence. They don't know if they want to align with the rules of the single market, they don't know if Scotland will be part of the union much longer, they don't know what the story will be with their only land border. They will have no trade deals with any major country on earth. Try as we might, we simply do not know what's going to happen.
It is a knot of Gordian proportions, tied at one end by the duplicitousness of the Brexit movement, and at the other by the continued ignorance of a public they were so easily able to trick.
Thankfully, there is a new Alexander the Great on hand (though he prefers to go by Boris), and he knows just how to slice that Brexit knot in two. How is he going to do it? "With oomph," he told reporters yesterday. Prob. Lem. Solved.
Turns out the dictionary definition of oomph is "the quality of being exciting, energetic, or sexually attractive." God help us.
They're no longer even using words anymore, they've resorted to sounds. Exclamations and grunts and barbaric yawps. Where we're going, we don't need words. It's like the goddamn ending of Grease.
We go together
Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong
As shoo-bop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom
Chang chang changitty chang sha-bop
That's the way it should be
What kind of future do these people believe in? What are they hoping for? They clearly don't care about the security of their borders and they clearly don't care about improving their economy and they clearly don't care about more money for their NHS. They just want to feel like they've won. It's like giving your little brother a controller that's not plugged in so he can pretend to play FIFA against you.
Maybe that's how we can solve this Brexit mess. The UK can stay in the single market and the customs union and we can all just pretend that they "won" so the people in places like East Midlands and Stoke can feel a little bit better about themselves. So they can have their World War II moment, a fleeting flash of glory to illuminate their hitherto pathetic lives.
It would be easy enough: You got us, you guys! We had you on the ropes for a minute but we were wrong to count out old Blighty. That'll teach us to side with the French and the Germans. We thought we were smarter and more powerful but no, Britannia still rules the waves or whatever the fuck it is you guys need to hear to get off.
Reports this morning suggest that the UK government is actually considering this very plan. Honestly.
Tom Newton Dunn, who is the Political Editor of The Sun, today reported on a proposal which "risks infuriating Irish politicians, who risk being accused of being dependent on Britain again, almost 100 years after Irish independence."
So far, so terrifying.
What is that proposal? The plan involves the EU allowing Ireland diverge from their rules and aligning ourselves with, you guessed it, the United Kingdom, just temporarily.
While we do this, the UK agrees a "common rulebook" with the EU, which would allow for seamless trade and the avoidance of the hard border. That's right, a beautiful uniform area of trade, a single market of sorts, joined in union by some kind of agreement on the nature of customs.
A senior cabinet minister told The Sun: "Ideally though, the EU would formally propose it rather than us so it is more acceptable to the Irish."
This way, instead of it seeming like the EU is joining up its economic policies with those of the EU, it actually looks like Ireland is joining their policies up with the UK! And then the UK will join its policies up with the EU. And, apparently, Irish politicians will go for it if the EU suggest it to us, because that way, we won't know it's a ruse. Very clever.
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to this poor senior cabinet minister, all of us over here in Ireland can read. An unexpected consequence of trying to eradicate the Irish language and force English upon us all means that we can actually understand them when they try to trick us. After years of living next door to Albion, 800 of which they spent on our couch, we've finally cracked their code when it comes to perfidy.
With just over two months left on the clock, there is no way for Britain to win. They know this. We know this. Deep down, they probably know that we know.
But they are prepared to pretend they've won, and their last hope is that we will play along.