How many of these relate to you?
If you play with a team then I really hope that you made the most of your summer break because as your manager will tell you, these next few weeks will be rougher than a badger’s arse.
Don’t worry though because all the hard work on the training ground will be worth it if your side start the league campaign with a win.
Here’s some of the truths that I picked up while playing amateur football.
1) The text
Ah Jesus, didn’t we just finish the league three weeks ago? I’m hungover on a beach in Marbella right now and I’ve only got one shoe on me. Leave me alone.
2) Finding your gear
It has been over two months since your last match and most footballers probably have no idea where their gearbag is. Cue lads desperately throwing bags out of the presses at home in a desperate attempt to find their boots.
Ah feck it, just buy a new pair.
It’s either that or deal with a situation that’s much worse. Find your gearbag, open it up and be met with that absolute godawful moldy smell from your boots that are caked in muck and shite.
3) Craic in the changing room
The place is giddy because nothing can ever replicate the amount of laughs that you get from winding up the newbies, or taking the piss out of the ‘veteran’ on your side who has decided to play on for another year.
Like Andrea Pirlo, he thinks that he’s getting better with age. He’s wrong.
4) The pitch
It must be a miracle, your pitch actually looks decent during the summer months because it has this marvellous thing on it called grass. Give it two weeks though because it will end up looking like this.
5) The slowest warm-up ever
Elderly drunk turtles have run quicker than you and your team are doing right now. Don’t worry though, you’re still quicker than Gareth Barry chasing Mesut Ozil in the 2010 World Cup.
This being said, it does seem like there’s more lead in your arse than an entire pencil factory.
6) Get the oxygen tank ready
We all know which member of your team is going to be falling behind on the second lap.
7) The dreaded drills
There’s no scarier sight than seeing your manager holding some training cones. It’s almost like they’ve spent every minute of their summer break reading up on coaching guides in an effort to learn some new drills that are designed to run the bollix of you.
Personally speaking, ‘The Figure of Eight’ is always a bastard of a training drill.
8) Know the cheats
“Yeah sorry gaffer, I just feel a slight tweek in my hamstring so I’m going to hang back and stretch. I’ll join in with that run later. I swear I’m fit”. Chancers.
9) The eager beaver
There’s always some lad that seems like they’ve spent every single day of their summer break in the gym. These players have the energy of Arturo Vidal after 300 Red Bulls.
10) Say goodbye to your first-touch
The very first pass that you receive will instantly bounce off your boot like a beach ball. You might as well be a wall…or Heskey.
11)Your second-touch
It’s probably going to be an awful tackle because the ball has bounced 5 meters in front of you.
12) Training match is bedlam
No one wants to do any excessive running so your teammates are probably like statues because they refuse to drop deep for the ball, break a sweat to retrieve possession or make a lung bursting run in behind the back-four.
Just like this guy then.
13) The ‘weaker team’ friendly
Your first game back will be against a so called ‘weaker’ team that are a few divisions below you. This game is usually a bat-shit crazy affair because to your surprise, the opposition have somehow managed to take the lead, mainly because your side are so rusty.
Cue a rousing Istanbul-esque comeback as your boys manage to take a commanding 5-1 lead on the hour mark.
It’s at this moment when you manager decides to make a raft of changes thus causing your side to lose their shape. The game will probably end up looking like a cricket score at 5-4.
Mourinho would be disgusted.
14) The ‘stronger team’ friendly
This is the match when you really want to punch your manager in the face because the opposition are so fit, strong and good on the ball that they might as well be Barcelona.
You’ll spend the entirety of this game chasing shadows for 90 minutes while desperately defending for your life.
This is the type of match where you can actually taste the beer as it’s sweating out of you.
15) The pre-season opener
Always played in baking hot conditions, jaysus it might as well be Qatar, and this match is more of an endurance test than a game of football.
A hard fought one-nil win though will make all those gruelling weeks of pre-season worth it. Onwards and upwards for the rest of the campaign.
