There’s always a number one
Question: What links Manuel Neuer, Anthony Nash and Shane Curran, apart from their position on the pitch?
We think it’s that they all share some of these qualities that make goalkeepers a very ‘special’ type of player.
1) The job description
If you take away the levels of skill, athleticism and dedication that it takes to be a great ‘keeper, regardless of the sport, then the position still looks insane on paper.
Think about it, these people voluntarily put themselves in the way of having balls kicked, hit or smacked directly at their heads, bodies and genitals.
What sane person would want this? Mad stuff Ted.
2) The pain, Jesus the pain
Outfield players will always complain and moan about coming off worse in a 50/50 tackle but have any of them been frequently exposed to the impact of a sliotar in the groin or a rock hard Mitre ball hitting them square in the face at point blank range on a cold Irish morning?
Four words: Steve Ogrizovic’s broken nose.
3) Your jersey is usually rank
Sometimes the ‘keepers kit is nicer than the outfield players but what about Peter Cech’s horrendous orange kit or some of Jorge Campos’ shirts?
You can probably see this kit from space.
4) Lets talk about diving
If a ‘keeper makes a routine save that’s considered by the commentator to be over-extravagant then we’re told that ‘it’s one for the cameras’.
Who gives a sh*t? The ball isn’t in the goal jackass and your team hasn’t conceded a goal, it doesn’t matter how ‘keepers stop the ball once they do.
Oh yeah, if you’re a net-minder reading this then we want to know, how many times have you tried to save a shot and accidentally jumped into the post?
This is showing off though. You wouldn’t get this in the Gaelic Grounds or in Dalymount.
5) The loneliness
It’s a solitary position at the best of times which means that all ‘keepers usually have plenty of time with their thoughts.
That’s probably why Peter Schmiechel absolutely bollocked his back-four during most matches. Defenders take note, when a ‘keeper screams in your ear then it’s just their way of saying hello.
No way this is real. Neuer is practically standing at half vs. Gibraltar. pic.twitter.com/GTw5YSsN9k
— GabrielW (@CFLArsenal) November 14, 2014
6) Your mam killed you when you were young
All GAA and soccer players got their clothes dirty as kids but goalkeepers were 100 times worse.
Clearly they’re in their element covering their entire bodies in muck and recklessly jumping around on concrete.
These track-suit bottoms will never be the same again and goalkeepers around Ireland usually didn’t get any ice-cream. A clip around the ear was more popular, after ruining another pair.
7) A good defence and midfield means that…
You’re bored out of your mind.
We imagine that Thibaut Courtois, Manuel Neuer or Paul Durcan secretly have had their iPhones tucked into their socks during some matches because they had so little to do. Compare this with…
8) …an awful defence and midfield
In this event a goalkeeper will probably have to deal with a situation where more shots are being fired at them than the final shoot-out in Django Unchained.
Even if they have a fantastic game, the team will always lose. ALWAYS.
Your great game means nothing and the weekend is ruined.
9) Mistakes look much worse
If anyone else on the pitch mis-kicks the ball or takes a crappy touch then they’ll always have the safety net of the man playing next to them.
Ask Peter Enckelman if this is the same for a goalkeeper.
10) The pitch is against you
Question: Off the top of your head, can you remember an incredible save that Tim Flowers or Paul Robinson made? We think not. You might remember this though.
A bobbly pitch can make ‘keepers look like an absolute clown and any blameless error looks a million times worse.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi8nzTjJXOI
11) The sad life of the second and third choice
These two players are forever destined to be on the bench and tagged as ‘squad players’. You know the guys whose faces are really hard to remember in team photos that were taken 10 years ago?
The sad thing is that the Raimond Van Der Gouws of this world will only see first-team action for two specific reasons.
1) The number one pick is injured/suspended or, 2) The number one’s form is just awful.
We’re never told that a manager’s reasoning for changing his shot-stopper is because the second or third-choice ‘keeper have been brilliant in training. This image seems apt right now.
That being said, it seemed like Liverpool cult-hero Tony ‘The Bonus’ Warner enjoyed his time on the Anfield bench.
12) Fans from opposing teams
This point really separates the men from the boys. Outfield players are constantly in motion around the pitch and they very seldom stay in the same place to face the constant stream of abuse, vitriol and anger from opposing fans.
Unless you’re Manuel Neuer, net-minders are usually a stationary and easy target for abuse and objects being hurled from the crowd.
Even if a nice person wants to talk to you from behind the goal on a Sunday League match, they’re usually just a weird old man that’s happy to talk with anyone or a drunk who’s looking for his way home or the nearest pub.
13) You’re not allowed to have an off-day
Amateur footballers will be able to spot a player on their team that has been on the beer the night before from a mile away.
You know the types, those lads that show up to matches with only one shin-pad and €2.37 in subs.
It’s very possible to win a game of football whilst carrying one or two players – depending on the opposition, of course – but an ‘off day’ for a ‘keeper usually results in a 5-0 defeat and a place on the bench for next week’s game.
14) Animals and weirdos
Who do you think is the first player on the pitch that stray dogs or pitch invaders harass?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMDb5v83hXU
15) Celebrations are a no-go
Unless you’ve the energy of Michael Darragh Macauley then it’s a waste of time running the full-length of the pitch to join in the celebrations with the rest of your team.
A mini-fist pump to yourself – that makes you look really weird – is the only thing that’s acceptable in this situation. That’s grand, we didn’t want to join in anyway.
16) Goal of the month is a farce
Saving a goal is just as important as scoring one so why is there no save of the month. Hypocrisy we say.
17) The temptation of hanging from the crossbar
Have any of you played a match, turned around and saw your ‘keeper hanging from the crossbar like a 7 year old?
18) All of a sudden, scoring a goal or point isn’t that brilliant
Stephen Cluxton, Anthony Nash, Peter Schmeichel and company have all been there and done that. Big whoop if you nailed a 45 against the wind. Now get your arse back in goal.
19) You try to help the team and…
Your team is losing, you have a corner in the final minute and the manager waves you forward. The ball comes over but the defenders clear it. Cue panic, hilarious running, desperate pushing and this…
