FEATURE: The 16 stages of a modern Premier League transfer

It's the most nonsenseful time of the year...

1. It starts on a Monday afternoon, nothing much happening. Picture a tabloid football writer, jittery on one Nespresso too many, spinning in his swivel chair, blue biro chomped down to the bit, seeking inspiration from somewhere. Anywhere. An idea hits him. 2. He takes the names of five, high-profile Premier League players and writes them down on a sheet of paper. Once that’s done, he picks out five teams with money to spend. These teams will comprise Manchester United, Juventus, Chelsea, Real Madrid and Bayern Munchen. 3. It’s lucky dip time. The names and the clubs go into two separate tombolas. We love a good tombola at JOE. Red Top Reporter picks out one name, Sergio Aguero, and one club, Manchester United, thinks to himself “…this is just the right side of crazy…” and a transfer saga is born. 4. ‘Exclusive!’ brags the next morning’s newspaper. ‘United to swoop for Aguero!’ A fee of £70million is plucked from the air as our scribbly friend goes wild with anticipation over a deal that doesn’t exist. But he has quotes. 5. Ah yes, quotes. Tricky things. Without them, his story has no legs. With his pal Unnamed Source, however, he’ll be all over that Sky Sports yellow ticker before you can say ‘lies, damn lies and statistics!’ Unnamed Source happens to be his best mate Fred, whose geographical proximity to the Etihad Stadium – he lives in a semi-detached townhouse near the ground with his mother and two cats – means that he is, technically, a source close to the player. “Sergio loves Manchester but is frustrated with the fact that Yaya Touré keeps having birthdays and keeps getting ignored. A move across the city to play with the almighty Zlatan would be a dream come true,” says Fred. 6. This is a nervous time for Red Top Reporter, who knows that his story will either be branded farcical and sink without trace, or will draw actual quotes from actual people associated with the actual clubs in question. Pep Guardiola can’t help himself. 7. “Aguero? Sergio stays with us, we will never sell this player to United,” the City patriarch tells Sky before skipping off for a manicure, leaving his assistant to chat to the press about the benefits of a mattress guard and the best way to clean out an oven. 8. At United, Jose Mourinho takes a break from och-ayeing over the skills of Marouane Fellaini to take in the quotes from Guardiola. He had, of course, no intention of signing Aguero but Guardiola’s comments get him all riled up. 9. Mourinho demands an audience, telling the cameras that he “has no interest in signing Aguero, Rashford is the future…” and that he’s happy with the squad he’s got, even if that squad still somehow includes Phil Jones. 10. Aguero himself slaps in a transfer request, then withdraws it, then slaps it in again. Then withdraws it. Then tells his agent to see what United are offering. Then gets dizzy and falls over. http://youtu.be/DOlG92rb2Zg 11. United make a formal offer of £40m plus Ashley Young. Guardiola laughs dismissively. United up their offer to £45m plus Wayne Rooney. Guardiola considers it, then laughs heartily. 12. Aguero uses the word ‘flattered’ 17 times in the same sentence. 13. Guardiola finally realises he’s about to lose Aguero, so he rings Sky Sports News to tell Bryan Swanson how he’s never been more convinced of a player’s loyalty to the club. 14. Manchester United make ‘absolutely their final offer of £61m’ and, when that’s turned down, they add another £5m for good measure. 15. Aguero is seen being driven into Old Trafford in a blacked out Mercedes. With the window down. 16. A full 27 years after the initial story was broken, he signs a seven-year deal with United. Meanwhile, our good friend Red Top Reporter gets out his pair of lucky woolly hats and completes the circle of life.