Farewell to the Premier League: Ian Holloway’s top 20 quotes

Swansea completed the line-up for next season’s 20th Premier League this week but they won't make the same impression as last year’s play-off winners, and their colourful manager.

Forget Match of the Day or Super Sunday - Ian Holloway's press conferences have been the highlight of the week for many of us over the past 12 months or so.

From the rant about Rooney to Joey Barton's arse and Cristiano Ronaldo's lad, there's never been a dull moment with the man they call "Ollie".

We give you Ian Holloway’s best ever quotes:

On winning ugly:

"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She wasn't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee."

After taking up his new job by the seaside:

“I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark.”

On burgling. As an analogy, of course:

“If you're a burglar, it's no good poncing about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy.”

On video technology:

“Why haven't they got cameras? The officials can speak to each other easily enough now. Why aren't we using laptops that are linked up and can give a decision in five seconds? A chimpanzee could do it - with not much training.”

On a game of two halves:

“In the first-half we were like the Dog and Duck, in the second-half we were like Real Madrid. We can't go on like that.”

On injury concerns:

Journalist: “Ian, have you got any injury worries?”

Holloway: “No, I'm fully fit, thank you.”

Giving credit where it’s due:

“In football you need to have everything in your cake mix to make the cake taste right. One little bit of ingredient that Tony [Pulis] uses in his cake gets talked about all the time is Rory’s throw. Call that cinnamon and he’s got a cinnamon flavoured cake. It’s not fair and it’s not right and it’s only a small part of what he does."

On his old-stager striker during his time at QPR:

“Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings.”

Speculating on the, ahem, equipment of Cristiano Ronaldo:

“He’s six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster - that would make us all feel better. Having said that, my missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock’s massive.”

During his time at Plymouth, after defender Hasney Aljofree broke his nose:

“Hasney’s bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now.”

Poor old Hasney again, after a contentious goal celebration almost sparked a riot against Peterborough:

"To celebrate like that was a disgrace. I would have thrown a bottle at him myself."

On the craft of the holding midfielder:

“It’s all very well having a great pianist playing but it’s no good if you haven’t got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place. Otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.”

On snoods:

“They’re like cut-off hats. I think someone’s cut a hole in the top of their hat and just pulled it down. I think that’s what our lads do. That wasn’t what I was told. People shouting at me, ‘You want to be a footballer, run around and get warm.’ I don’t necessarily agree with that ... but I wouldn’t wear one myself. You look a bit of a ponce, but if Mr Tevez does it and he scores, who am I to tell him what to do?”

On that winning feeling:

“Every dog has its day, and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark!”

On commitment:

"There was a spell in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth."

On happiness:

“I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season.”

On luck:

“Right now, everything is going wrong for me - if I fell in a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb.”

On the value of Charlie Adam (part 1):

“If he’s only worth £4 million, then I’m a Scotsman called McTavish.”

On the value of Charlie Adam (part 2):

“If they want to insult me by only offering £3.5 million and then get it all over the paper and try to upset me well, sorry, they’re barking up the wrong tree, they’re messing with the wrong dog and I’ll come and bite them.”

On Joey Barton’s arse:

“It was a bit cheeky wasn’t it? But I don’t think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he’d turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. If anybody’s offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they’re just jealous that he’s got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything.”

And we just couldn't let the opportunity pass without posting this video, during the Alex Ferguson-Wayne Rooney wranglings last autumn: