This week, Carlos Tevez tells us (in the stylings of Darragh Harkin) about his recent trip to Argentina, spending time with his family and his triumphant return to ‘the Blue Manchester’.
By Darragh Harkin
Hallo, my name is Carlos. You may remember me from such things as refusing to play football, being treated like a dog and training on my own. It’s been a crazy few months since we last talked so let me (Craig David style) fill you in. Please read and enjoy my story and if you don’t like it we are no longer friends…
Times were very strange when I went home to Argentina. I spent most of my days with my family, who I do love but who can get pretty boring. I played golf, counted my money, did the limbo and generally thought about how much the fans must miss me. Which fans you ask? Well the Blue Manchester fans of course, as we have a strong bond and also the fans of the Camp Nou in Spain. They call themselves ‘Barcelona’ and my uncle Kia tells me that only a couple of weeks ago they tried to sign me.
Barcelona is a great place, it has the best fans in the world and my old friend Javier is there too. I thought it was a win-win situation, but the Blue Manchester wouldn’t let me go. It was a mean thing for them to do in my opinion, but Mancini says it had something to do with no transfer offer from Barcelona and Pep not wanting a disruptive influence. What is a Pep? And how can they call me disruptive? That’s like saying Paul Scholes used to score goals, Messi is the best in the world and Ireland are in the European Championships. All nonsense and for me the best in the world is still Reo Coker.
Anyways, a move to Barcelona didn’t happen and isn’t looking likely to happen in the future, nor is one to the stripy red Milan or the stripy blue Milan or even to the Sony PlayStation team in France. The PSP is it? Or PSG? These teams are not likely to love the Carlos like they should, ‘cause they keep reading bad stories about me in the media. Like the interview I allegedly did with a kicker magazine where I exclusively revealed what things were like for me at the Blue Manchester?
It was a lie as I had never heard of kicker magazine nor did I do an interview with them. I do remember talking to a German man who said something about being a kicker and talking on the record but I thought he was a DJ talking about the Six Nations, not a journalist. The Germans certainly are crafty in their ways and I will never forget how they tricked me into that interview. I will never forgive them as a nation even though they do have some of the best football fans in the world and I would like play there someday.
My head kept spinning round and round as I wondered why the Blue Manchester wouldn’t sell me. I wanted to leave and therefore I should have been allowed to. Sometimes I think footballers are like slaves in how we are treated. Mancini is like an Italian crime lord refusing offers from good clubs with great fans because they can’t agree on a price. It’s ridiculous to be talking about money when a human being was as unhappy as I was. Being obsessed with money is not how you should live your life and it certainly is not the way that I have lived mine. Sure, sometimes money comes to me in my dreams and convinces me to move clubs but it’s really all about the fans and my family. They are the real winners in life, not me and all my money. In some ways I am jealous of them having someone like Tevez to look up to, particularly when I stand on a step or a box.
So the Mancini wouldn’t let me leave the Blue Manchester and before I agreed to come back things were pretty tough on me. With so much spare time on my hands I briefly flirted with the idea of changing career. The brother of Nicolas Anelka came to see me and suggested I should become a movie star. He is so clever and such a good friend that he even came up with some titles to get me interested. How about Tevez and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat of Money? Or The Lord of the Fans: The Return of the King Carlos? A Few Good Carlos? Some like it Hot, I like it Rich? Saving Private Ryan Giggs? And of course The Great Escape as that would be a live action film where I escape the clutches of Mancini and find refuge in some other club for at least eighteen months.
Until that happens I am back in the Blue Manchester and started off training on my own. I never said Mancini treated me like a dog but that it would be good if I had a dog to keep me company. Being alone in the Carrington got lonely and Uncle Kia said I should apologise to the Mancini. So even though I didn’t really mean it I gave out an apology as I hoped it would allow me train with my friends again. It was great to see the others and they welcomed me back with open arms and even found time for a game of blind man’s bluff. The only problem with this game was we didn’t have a blindfold so Kolarov and Zabaleta suggested I just keep my eyes closed. I thought it was a fun idea but sadly it was another one of their tricks as when I was playing I walked past the Mancini in training and he now thinks I ignored him! Zabaleta and Kolarov are truly El B*stardos Grande!!!
Being back in the Blue Manchester isn’t so bad I guess, I don’t have to put up with my family anymore and I was definitely tired of playing golf every day. Speaking of Golf I saw a Pigeon on the course recently. He was in my way so obviously I ordered an errand boy to shoot him but while that was going on I thought to myself that it must be very sad to be a pigeon, as they have no fans. Birds in general don’t have many fans, though I do hear magpies are popular and I’m a good friend with Mr Pardew so maybe I could play there someday?
Until next time I am Carlos, hear me roar…
P.S. I wonder if I did play for the Tune Army would I scare away all the magpies by doing my roar?
