This was your Champions League Final, only it took place nearly every day.
People talk a lot these days about how kids waste their childhood on their phones. They regale you with stories about how they would be out from sunrise to sunset, with nothing but a football and some jumpers for goalposts. Now chances are that some of these stories are somewhat exaggerated, but there is definitely some truth behind them.
It was without a doubt more common for kids to just be out and about, not necessarily doing anything in particular. We needed something to keep us entertained. This is where heads and volleys came in.
All you needed was at least three people. Maybe you called it nods and volleys, maybe you called it something else, but the general idea was the same.
The rules varied depending on what estate you lived in, which normally meant that if you went to the house of a friend from school, for example, you could expect a brand new game. Some of the rules remained the same though: you could only score with your head, or with a volley.
But it is about a million times more complicated than it sounds. Depending on what type of group you were playing with, the rules varied from enjoyable to downright cruel. You could have played a hundred games with the “overs don’t count” rule, but you leave your group and play elsewhere, and next thing you know you have to go in goal for hitting one 3o yards over the non-existent bar.
Another unspoken rule of the game was that you HAD to shout a footballer’s name as you hit an audacious volley towards the goal. Gerrard, Rooney, Shearer and Zidane were all perfectly acceptable. It would preferably be two syllables, and you’d connect with the ball just as you finish the word. It increased your shot accuracy by 50% and your shot power by 100%. Don’t believe us? Try it someday…
Clip via MrHellboundHeart
The goalkeeper had an extremely important part to play in heads and volleys. The only way you’d play in goal is if you hit the ball wide, or if the keeper cleanly caught the ball. Some keepers took the game by the scruff of the neck, and went fully into dickhead mode. If you’d ever had a keeper kick the ball off you so that it went wide, you know what we’re talking about. Watch out for those people, they are not to be trusted.
Another contentious issue would be the last goal. Normally it would have to be a header, which added another dimension to the game. Headers were far more difficult to score in this environment, unless you had a Crouch-esque big man, in which case, you were laughing.
Clip via Stoke City FC
The game wasn’t always played in good spirits though. Sometimes, you’d notice that one guy was never shooting. Taking the weakling’s way out. This was completely unacceptable, and it should never be done. Heads and volleys is a game of risk-taking. Take your cowardice elsewhere.
Another odd rule that nobody ever seemed to question was that the person who got down to one life first would automatically have a “doggy life”. Why the hell was it called a doggy life anyway? Who knows… All we know is that the doggy life saved many a lucky soul from the dreaded red arse.
Which brings us nicely to the subject of red arse. This was the punishment for being the first to lose all your lives in heads and volleys. The rules for this game were a lot more simple. You would put the ball down about six steps away from the goalkeeper, they would bend down on the goal line and you would smack the ball as hard as you could, directly at their backside.
It didn’t stop there… If you were accurate enough to hit the target, you would get to move closer and have another go. This wasn’t one bit fun. It was downright cruel. But it added a much-needed intensity to the game. It meant that everyone took it seriously, otherwise, you’re in for a world of fear and pain. To be honest, the thought of it was a lot worse than it actually ended up being, but either way, you would have always wanted to be the kicker, rather than the victim.
The game wasn’t all just chipping it up and blasting it though. There were tactics that would put Pep Guardiola to shame. It was kill or be killed out there, so you had to do anything you could to win. If you weren’t the most talented of footballers, a bit of guile was all you needed. As long as you were on your toes, you had a chance.
A testament to the game is that it is still being played to this day, with new rules still being made. We hope that it will continue to be played for years to come, and the great heads and volleys name will live on.
