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02nd Oct 2018

How to shite talk your way through the Conor McGregor fight this weekend

Rudi Kinsella

McGregor Khabib

These tips will help you through the next week or so.

Conor McGregor vs Khabib Nurmagamedov is just around the corner, and we frankly can not wait.

It’s been over a year since we saw McGregor in action, and almost two since he had a fight in the octagon.

Khabib, on the other hand, has been demolishing every person put in his way, calling out the Dub at every step.

And now, he has his chance.

As for us, it has become somewhat more difficult to be a McGregor fan as of late. His inactivity and some of his antics outside of the ring are some of the reasons why, but we still anticipate that he’ll have a lot of people cheering him on come Saturday night.

In case you don’t have an interest in the UFC for the rest of the year and are concerned with this fight and this fight only, we’ve compiled a little guide to help you shite-talk through the entire thing.

Study this carefully and you’ll be able to blag your way through fight weekend without a bother to you.

The opponent

It’s one thing being able to shite talk about McGregor – anyone in the country can do that – but to look like you really know what’s going on, you’ll need to learn about the opponent.

We’re not asking you to watch all of Khabib’s fights, that would be unreasonable. But do watch the most recent one. Learn something really basic about his fighting style.

Khabib, for example, is a really good wrestler. He’s undefeated (26-0 if you really want to show off). The only criticism of him is that he has never really fought anyone like McGregor, and he may not be able to take his left hand.

And there you are. People know you’ve seen at least one UFC fight, and they know you had a bit of an idea of what went on.

Step one complete.

The vocab

Now this is not easy. Not one bit. But it is vital if you want people to think you have any idea what you’re on about.

Put on an old McGregor fight, and make sure you listen to the commentary; Joe Rogan will be your guide through this struggle.

We don’t expect you to be able to have a black-belt’s knowledge of Jujutsu, but just know the basics.

For example…

  • McGregor is taller = He’s got the reach on him.
  • He connects with a lovely punch = He’s tagged him.
  • The recipient of that punch appears stunned = He’s rocked him.
  • He looks tired = He’s gassing.

See? It’s an easy game when you know how to play it.

Social media

You can use social media to use your advantage big time here…

Throw out the odd tweet about how you can’t wait for the fight. Maybe retweet an interview with one of the coaches.

People will be impressed, none the wiser that you really are shiteing your way through this whole saga.

Maybe a little countdown on Thursday night? “Only two more sleeps. This will be huge.”

That oughta do it.

The undercard

More homework for you, but it will do wonders for your knowledge.

Look at the other fights on the card. Pick three fighters. Watch their last fight, or at least the highlights.

Easy.

Now when the rest of your mates are struggling to pronounce the name of the fighters, you’ll be able to talk about how they got on in their last fight.

Just work with the co-main event. Anthony Pettis vs Tony Ferguson. Anthony Pettis once executed one of the best moves in MMA history. Don’t be afraid to bring that up. “I hope he Showtime Kicks him! That’d be crazy.”

Clip via gonhop

Who’s the expert now?

The fight itself

This is perhaps your easiest job of the entire weekend. Simply react with your emotions.

Chances are, if you put all this effort in you will genuinely want someone to win. So just cheer if the guy who you want to win does well and react accordingly if they are being battered.

This is the only point throughout this entire facade where you get to act genuine, so enjoy it.

But stay on your toes. You don’t want people to think that you’ve been bluffing the whole time.

Even if you stay silent the whole time you can just claim it was because you were nervous…

The judges’ decision

And we’re back.

There’s a chance that the fight could go the distance, in which case you are absolutely screwed.

“How the hell are they scoring this? Who punched who more? How is anyone supposed to remember that?”, you may be asking.

Fear not.

Simply say “that’s bollocks,” if the tone of the room seems annoyed. “Dead right,” if it’s the opposite.

Problem solved.

*Bonus*

Here’s how you can score bonus points.

The fight has ended, the buzz has died down. Just throw a little message into your group chat: “Lads, who do you think McGregor will fight next? I reckon it has to be *insert name of random of UFC fighter*.

While everyone else has gone back to their non-UFC obsessed lives, you’ve seemingly maintained the interest.

Nice job…