In a tussle barely more important than the Community Shield or a money-spinning pre-season tour of New Jersey, bronze is decided tonight between Brazil and the Netherlands.
It’s like that last Brussels sprout bef0re Christmas Day dessert as millions of football fans – stuffed to the gills with quality football – take their medicine before tomorrow’s final.
It’s the Apres Match lads’ time to shine as the might of Fred, Hulk and Ramires routinely pepper Row P with shanked attempts before Louis van Gaal shrugs his side to an inevitable 2-0 win.
Our only hope is to drink through it all and hope that Holland play the hits: the Robben swandive; the de Jong decapitation; the Dirk Kuyt sweeper; all the hits.
The World Cup final. Germany v Argentina. Sunday. 8pm.
Want to know something utterly terrifying? The last six World Cup finals, stretching back to when these two sides last met in 1990, have produced the sum total of nine goals.
Nine.
If that doesn’t fill you with glee, however, bear in mind the batshit mental nature of what we’ve seen over the last month and know that nothing ever happens as it’s meant to.
Put Argentina v the Dutch out of your mind and let us never speak of it again. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s a World Cup bloody Final, starring Mats Hummels, Toni Kroos, Javier Mascherano, Thomas Muller, Martin Demichelis’ lovely new haircut and, best of all, Him.
Yes, Him. Shackled to within an inch of his life by the Belgians and completely nullified by the Netherlands, Lionel Messi won’t find it any easier when faced with Hummels, Schweinsteiger, Khedira et al but we can all dream that the greatest player since Maradona can rise above it all and do something extraordinary.
There you have it. We’ll be back with more build up tomorrow, in the meantime enjoy tonight’s egg and spoon chase.
