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6th June 2016
05:23pm BST
Test 6: Conditioning
1. Set your alarm for six.
2. AM.
3. Then actually get up and go without even a five-minute snooze reprieve.
4. Report for the gym at 6.30am because this could not have been done after work.
5. Squat, deadlift, do it like there's no tomorrow.
6. But you will do it again tomorrow.
7. Make sure you take note. Always take note.
8. And don't forget to write down how you're feeling. Rank your emotions on a scale of one to 10.
9. Give it to someone to look at but make sure you don't get any feedback.
Test 7: Diet
1. Potatoes.
2. Pre-match pasta: Add potatoes.
3. Post-match pizza: Add potatoes.
4. Porridge breakfast: Add potatoes.
5. Potatoes: Add potatoes.
Test 8: Video session
1. Accumulate all of your worst clips from every game you've ever played.
2. Edit them into a two-hour piece of footage.
3. Invite 30 people around to watch them with you in silence.
4. Pause and rewind the particularly embarrassing highlights.
5. Ask for an honest analysis of how you looked.
Test 9: Listening to your coach
1. Find a man who hates you.
2. Find someone who hates you even more.
3. Sit in a room for 30 minutes with him and get him to roar the bollocks off you.
4. Go outside in the freezing cold and get him to roar the bollocks off you.
5. Run until you're crawling through mud on your hands and knees and get him to roar the bollocks off you.
6. Tell him you'll see him again on Thursday.
Test 10: Christmas duty
1. Finally get those holiday days you were after booked for Christmas.
2. Clear your schedule and take the week off.
3. Now fill your schedule with trips to 28 different clubs around the county.
4. Smile and get pictures taken with 107 different kids for their awards nights. And smile.
5. Tell them to listen to their coaches.
6. Find 13 other clubs and offer to come and turn their Christmas lights on. Who else is going to do it after all?
Test 11: Interviews
1. Say as much as you can without saying anything.
2. Answer every single question. Without saying anything.
3. Analyse your team and the opposition and talk about injuries. Without saying anything.
4. Finish every single sentence with, "we'll know more on Friday."
5. Don't say anything.
Test 12: Job
1. Apply for your dream job.
2. Interview for it.
3. Get it.
4. Reject it.
5. Don't worry, you'll get a job closer to home sorted for you.
Test 13: Biting your lip
1. Become the best player in the county.
2. Train every night for five months straight.
3. Tell the manager to leave you out of the match day panel.
4. Book flights to America.
5. Get in touch with Robert Emmet's Chicago Harps Donegal Gaels. They've a job and a house sorted for you.
6. Don't go.
7. Go back to training.
8. Suck it up.
Test 14: Code of conduct
1. Alcohol ban from January 1 to December 31. Inclusive.
2. Do not drink water in public either.
3. Do not even think about entering a pub or a club.
4. No mention of county team on social media.
5. No mention of GAA on social media or any other sport.
6. No mention of politics or films or music or food or anything in general on social media.
7. Do not look at a journalist.
8. Football boots to be black.
9. No laces.
10. No highlights to be worn in hair.
11. No hair bands.
12. No hair.
13. No jewellery.
14. No girlfriends between January and October.
15. No club football between January and October.
16. No phones between January and October.
17. No exceptions*.
18. *Managers will deem which exceptions are acceptable.
Still want to be a county player? Good luck with that.
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