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6th June 2014
09:46am BST
As sure as the weather will be good once the state exams start, you can count on Real landing their main transfer target this summer. Expect Suarez to give an emotional farewell speech to Liverpool fans from the vault of a bank as he counts his pots of gold.
Giant French central defender Eliaquim Mangala is involved in a seedy unrequited love threesome with both Manchester clubs. City have identified him as their main transfer target, but Mangala only has eyes for United and wants to move there instead. Or maybe Chelsea.
However, the Guardian are telling us that Louis van Gaal (pic above) is not sure about Mangala and would prefer Mats Hummels from Borussia Dortmund. Mangala is in the French World Cup squad and following one half decent game in Brazil, will probably be available for about £700 billion.
In other Old Trafford news, the Daily Express are saying that Mexican striker Javier Hernandez (pic below) is the subject of a £10m bid from Inter Milan. Inter, having already secured the services of Nemanja Vidic from United, are very interested in signing the man they call the 'Little Pea'.
Chelsea, meanwhile are busy buying up most of Europe. Having already signed Diego Costa, they are back at the Atletico discount store to buy full back Filipe Luis and former player Tiago. The Daily Mirror's has the trio going to the Bridge for a knockdown £50m.
The Times are also telling us that Jose Mourinho (pic below) has confirmed his interest in Cesc Fabregas and would like to shell out £30m just to prove it. Fabregas is currently hanging around the Emirates looking forlorn and asking if people remember him.
Liverpool are acting all big and hard by getting their transfer business done and dusted early and the Daily Mirror are reporting that the shopping spree continues with the signing of Seville's left-full Aleberto Moreno. They say a deal of £17.9m has been agreed between the clubs and that the defender will sign a five year deal. Bearing in mind that yesterday it was reported the player was about to sign for Spurs. Expect him to sign for PSG in a deal which will involve lots of money and a small coffee shop at the base of the Eiffel Tower.
Arsenal are going to make a £17m bid for Italian forward Lorenzo Insigne (pic above) from Napoli IF he has a good World Cup according to The Metro. We're not sure The Metro understand the impact of having a good World Cup and how it affects a player's transfer value. Should Insigne have a good one, he'll be available for the princely sum of two Sistine Chapels and a Donald Trump tower.
In other news, Newcastle loafer-in-command, Alan Pardew, has turned his attentions to Ajax's Siem de Jong (pic above). De Jong's younger brother Luuk was on loan at St. James Park for the second half of last season, but Pardew was none too impressed and has opted for his big brother instead, who goes to bed when he's told and doesn't stay up all night pretending he's a Jedi.
I'm off to ring Jose and tell him I once scored in a five-a-side and am available for a cool £3m.
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