Five things men do when nobody’s looking

Here at JOE Towers we realise that we’re about to break the ‘man code’. We’re revealing five things men do when we think nobody’s looking.

By William Nestor

As men, there are certain things we do that are never spoken about. We get up to mischievious and sometimes unmanly antics when left alone. Especially those afternoons while the missus is gone to the shops or, for the single man, the stuff we do when we’re on our tod in the bachelor pad. No prying eyes.

The following five things have been selected from a broad range of JOE.ie journalist’s lifestyles and we’re sure we will have rebuttals from some readers, so feel free to leave a comment below and tell us what you get up to when your partner, wife, mother or pet aren’t about.

1. Singing along to embarrassing tunes

Closet singing (or singing outside of closets, but still alone) is high on the list of private activities for men. Apart from drunken nights out when we try to serenade lovely ladies with songs from the Top Gun soundtrack, we generally don’t sing in public. The obvious and most common location for attempting to stay in tune with I Gotta Feeling is in the car. Volume up to the last and then - suddenly - you brake for the red light, and realise you’ve been caught out as some tough nut looks across at you as if you’ve got two heads. Embarrassing, sure - unless he wants a red light duet?

2. Using your other half’s beauty products

The majority of us can all confess to this one. Don’t hate, exfoliate - that’s what we say, and we snap our fingers as we say it too. Sure enough, the day of the macho male has died away and has been replaced by the metrosexual male equipped with moisturiser, body hair trimmer and even fake tan. Ok, the tan is the extreme and we do not recommend it for any man but, the truth is, we’ve all tucked in to the missus’ foundation (maybe to cover up the odd spot) or used her cherry and coconut smoothie shampoo followed by lavender and cinnamon conditioner. Magic stuff, as long as you tell no-one.

3. Crying

It’s just the way of the world. Men weren’t programmed to cry in front of others. There are, of course, exceptions when it’s deemed acceptable and we don’t need to go through a morbid list. On the whole, however, there should be no crocodile tears if the other half breaks up with you in public, no sobbing at the cinema and definitely no throwing the toy out of the pram in any type of work situation, even if you're testing a new pram-related toy for Christmas market research and you're bitterly unsatisfied.

Let’s not get into the debate right now about whether it’s a good thing to cry at home alone but the truth is that it happens, from time to time, after situations such as break ups, the birth of your child or when some careless fool has driven over your dog. Having said that, we haven’t met a guy yet who has broken down after watching a chick flick in the cinema. And we don’t want to.

4. Watching Xpose

Although we have just knocked crying after rom-coms on the head, we do not discourage dashing home from work to catch a glimpse of Glenda and the girls. Call it staying in touch with our feminine side or, more accurately, time to build up a wealth of ‘knowledge’ to chat to strange women on nights out. If all our real interests run out we can revert to using this jibber jabber. Anyway, we confess to checking in with Extreme Makeover Home Edition and Greys Anatomy, but no boxsets for us.

5. Masturbating

How could we leave this one out? It’s the classic. Having an in-home, undisturbed ‘Prendeville’ is special time between man and hand. Not to be interrupted. Whether you’re living with herself, your mum or in a house share, there’s got to be time made for self-entertainment. It’s one of the great free activities of a man’s life. If you live on your own you can knock one out more or less any time you want but you need to be calculated in your timing when living with others. And if you're bored, why not time yourself, and then try beat your high score every day? Girls like a man that can take care of himself and it'll leave you safe in the knowledge that you can 'beat' her to orgasm every time.