Keep her happy with an enjoyable massage

Keeping a woman happy can be difficult - especially on a budget of zero. Here's how to keep her happy for free - with a massage.

By Conor Hogan

The room should be quiet and have no distractions. If you have kids, pack them off to their grandparents and instruct them to bring the dog. If they refuse, threaten to send them to a home.

Dimming the lights will create a relaxing atmosphere, but avoid turning them down the whole way. If the lights are entirely off, you won’t be able to see what you are doing and you risk spoiling the mood by accidentally poking her in the eye (or somewhere worse).

While some authorities on the subject recommend jazz as an accompaniment, making her feel like she's on a porn set in the early 70s will probably prompt her to laugh. At you rather than with you. Opt for something you know she likes.

Ask her to strip completely naked and lie face down on your bed. You should cover whatever areas that aren’t being massaged at a given time with a towel. Rather than being some pointlessly chivalrous attempt to preserve her modesty, this is done to help prevent the heat you have generated from escaping her body.

The buisness at hand

Lubricants can turn an amateurish massage into something far more enjoyable. They do, however, come with a health warning - confronting a newly-pulled girl with a greasy bottle of massage oil you've just whipped from your bedside drawer will make you look like a sleaze ball. If you're in a relationship, however, try coconut oil – which is an effective skin moisturiser and softener. Coconut oil can also be used as a sexual lubricant, so if your significant other enjoys the massage, it could come in handy later on. If you can’t get your hands on it, or any of the fancy massage oils currently on the market, regular baby oil or even talcum powder will do.

When starting your rub down, you should target the larger muscle groups – the neck, legs, back and shoulders. Unless you're a professional, don’t focus on just one muscle group during the massage as you could damage it. Begin with the shoulders, then the neck, then the arms and hands, before moving to her back. Start at the upper back and slowly move down to her backside.

Continue to massage her bottom for as long as she lets you, before moving down to her calves and finishing off with her feet. The strokes at the beginning should be fluid and soft and applied with your palm – this method is known as effleurage.

Alternate between this and a method called milking, where you use both hands to grab onto and squeeze a muscle group, constantly switching hands while doing so. Imagine you are milking a cow (not really). After you're finished, wipe the lubricant from her body and ask if she enjoyed it. If she lies and tells you it was great, then you can count the endeavour a success.