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30th June 2014
10:10am BST

The Daily Mirror say that Barcelona still want to give Liverpool shed loads of money for Luis Suarez (pic above), but get this, only if he agrees to a special 'biting clause'. That's right folks, a biting clause. Sounds like a dangerous Father Christmas, but the Catalans want to protect their investment by telling Suarez, 'Listen Luis me oul' flower, we'll give you £160,000 a week and all you have to do is not bite people, okay?'
Liverpool want £80m for Suarez, but Barcelona will only offer around £26m plus Alexis Sanchez (pic above) according to the Daily Star. Wait, hang on. There is no evidence of this happening, it's just a suggestion from the Star itself. They reckon there will be an impasse about the fee between the two clubs and they've offered their tuppence worth as a possible solution. So there you have it folks, papers are now transfer problem solvers.
The Sun are reporting that Arsene Wenger is after Sami Khedira (pic above) from Real Madrid. Wenger, who has re-invented the 'budgie smugglers' out in Brazil, sees the German midfielder as someone who can bring the best out of another German, Mesut Ozil. A fee of £23m which has obviously been plucked from thin air is being mooted as the right price to entice the man who was a musketeer in a past life.
Wenger is stopping there though, oh no! The Daily Mirror are telling us that he also wants Southampton's French midfielder, Morgan Schneiderlin (pic above). He's on duty with France in Brazil and they reckon £20m will be enough to secure him. Southampton, meanwhile have asked the FA to consider making the Premier League a five-a-side tournament next season as they are not down to about six players having sold nearly everyone in the last week or so.
In other stories, it looks as if Thomas Vermaelen (pic above) is indeed of to Manchester United, Swansea defender Ben Davis is off to Spurs and the Metro are reporting that Mario Balotelli will try to force through a move to Arsenal. This should be some feat considering Wenger went public last week dismissing this as an idea.
We're off to the Copacabana for a game of beach volleyball with Arsene Wenger.
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