When one in a couple is into swingers parties and the other isn’t

Our very own Claire Tully answers your pressing questions. To put a question directly to Claire, send an email to [email protected]. with your first name and county. Please indicate if you wish your name to be withheld.

 

 

Hi Claire,

I'm a female writing about my boyfriend but I'd like some advice from someone and don't know where else to go as I find this a slightly taboo topic. Also any male posters on the site might be able to give a man's insight. I definitely want to be anon so please do not publish my name.

I've been together with my partner for over a year. Since the beginning we have had a very active and satisfying sex life and he regularly tells me he's never been so sexually relaxed and open and happy with anyone. At the weekend I found a link to a swingers website on his laptop. I asked him about it and he was very upfront and logged in to show me what its all about.

Basically there's a wall where people post comments and live webcams to people, mostly men by themselves or couples getting it on. He uses it reasonably regularly and he says its voyeurism, no more.

He looks at the couples doing their thing but he has no contact with them by email or chat or anything and he says I have absolutely nothing to worry about, but its been on my mind since. I have no problem with porn films, etc, but I'm slightly uncomfortable with him using swingers sites in the way he's described.

I’ve also found out that he’s visited swingers clubs on at least 2 occasions in the past, again before we met. I don’t think that he participated in anything while he was there, he just  just enjoyed watching everyone around him, but the fact that he actively sought out such a place and visited in person it is freaking me out.

What I want to try to know is how normal or abnormal is this behaviour? What is it about watching real people, live, no matter how unattractive they are, that does it for him in a way that a professional porn film doesn’t? I know you''ll tell me that is my decision to make on what I feel is acceptable and what is not, but I feel I may have lead a sheltered life until I met him.

If I found out he'd been in a swingers club since we met or if he went to one in future that would definitely be the end as far as I am concerned. I really only have his word to go on regarding his limited use of swingers online sites, but I am inclined to believe him.

I do worry about the future though and if he'd ever be tempted to meet up in person with these couples or attend a club again. Also, if he'd eventually want to get me involved! Do people sometimes visit clubs once or twice and then never again, or look at these websites and never take it any further?

Thanks for your help. I hope you can publish this, but please rememeber ANON! Name supplied, Co Dublin

Claire says...:

The big issue here is not really about your boyfriend swinging in the past or if he will swing in the future, it’s that you simply aren’t comfortable with the idea of swinging full stop. Maybe it’s the thought of him wanting to sleep with other people or that it feels like you aren’t enough for him but it’s obvious you are just not into it.

If your boyfriend is into it, has done it in the past and is still dabbling with the websites then he clearly enjoys being part of the scene, even if that means simply viewing it live or on a laptop and not actually partaking. And one thing in life you can’t do is change people.

What I will say is he is being very open and upfront with you which is a whole lot better than sneaking around behind your back pretending to be at a work do and instead is holed up in some orgy somewhere. By being open and upfront he wants you to know that he doesn’t feel it is some sort of betrayal on his part.

Some men are really into anal sex but if their partner isn’t they can usually live without it.

If this is something that ranks high on his sexual preferences then at some point he probably will ask you to join him but that doesn’t mean you have to. If you are very uncomfortable with the idea then you should tell him how it makes you feel and why. He might be able to persuade you otherwise however it’s not unreasonable to not want to share the person you sleep with.

If it is something he can’t live without but can live without you then you know where you stand. I mean, some men are really into anal sex but if their partner isn’t they can usually live without it.

Of course watching swinging sites in action is a little bit different to actually jumping into a bed of strangers or going to a swinging party to watch. The difference between watching porn and watching swinging on the internet is that porn is pre-recorded and set up but swinging sites are actually live so what your boyfriend is enjoying is the buzz of knowing someone is watching and someone is being watched and what he is seeing is real live pleasure, that those people are getting as much out of it as him.

The fact they may be attractive or otherwise doesn’t come into it so much. And the fact he is doing this rather than going to parties is a good thing, I think, because he is getting his fix if you like but still being loyal to you.

At the end of the day you need to figure out how great a part of his life this is and if you can learn to live with it. As I said, you can’t change people all you can do is try to understand it and if you feel that it’s not the thing for you then you best let him know sooner rather than later.