“No. No. No. No no no no NOOOOOO!!!! No, Tayto Park. Just no.”
After a thoroughly enjoyable learning experience last week on the farm, it was decided that I’d had far too much fun with John ‘The Bull’ Hayes. Knowing I had a big fear of both heights and water (that’s where the sharks get you – did any of you even watch Jaws??) I was sent to sunny Ashbourne to test out the new Tayto Park ride, The Viking Voyage.
Why we have dedicated a theme park ride to people that pillaged early Christian Ireland is beyond me, and unfortunately, I never got a chance to ask Mr. Tayto why exactly he’d done just that.
When we arrived, the park was packed. Swarms of Spanish schoolchildren ran around, fearlessly attempting all the rides while I stood quaking in the line.
Eventually, after battling through a crowd of toddlers, fellow Vikings and cheery PR people, I reached the front and sat into my own longship.
The ride was short and decidedly not sweet. The longship made that intimidating clinking sound as it ascended an incline, before turning around and hurtling backwards down a flume.
The second drop was the most terrifying aquatic experience since the sinking of the Titanic (maybe worse). Slowly ascending another hill, the boat was then catapulted into a pit of murky water, showering all of us inside and ruining my carefully arranged hair.
A few minutes later, after a quick stint in the Viking Voyage dryer (a nice touch of authenticity from the early 900s) I was back to my normal, coiffured self.
Do you think you could do better? Check out the video below to see what you’re in for…
