The GAA posers: Who are they and how do you identify them?

There’s one on every team. If you don’t know who it is, then chances are it’s you!

By William Costello

Is Paul Galvin's influence in the fashion columns filtering out onto the fields? JOE looks at some of the ways to identify the modern day GAA poser.

You might say that this neo-expressionistic breed of metrosexual footballer is doing no harm. Sir Alex Ferguson argues the opposite, so much so in fact that he has barred his youth team players from wearing any colour football boots other than the classic black leather.

Senior players like Ryan Giggs and Wayne Rooney are allowed wear whatever they like, so as to not impede on anyone's sponsorship deals. Sir Alex did, however, put a ban on the snood for senior and youth team players alike, he also demanded that Portuguese newcomer, Bebe, get a haircut immediately after his arrival.

Now that’s taking the hairdryer treatment to a whole new level Sir Alex.

Back in the GAA world though, we'll also provide you with the ultimate toolkit for becoming a football poser and an insight into the expense that our GAA posers go to look so stylish for us.

Why is he doing it and is it any harm? We also take a look at some of the most high profile football posers, who must be the influence for such an influx of fashion over function in the modern game.

How to identify a GAA poser

• White ankle socks over the ordinary socks/ or else the socks will be pulled up above the knees

• Jersey sleeves will be taped up to reveal the “guns” or lack thereof.

• He will usually be the free taker on the team, employing some gimpy run up routine, designed to emulate Johnny Wilkinson, but in actual fact ends up resembling something from Swan Lake, or Justin TimberLAKE for that matter.

• The typical GAA poser will have bleached blonde hair or long flowing locks. Designed to entice a tough corner back (see Francie Bellew) to, “grab a good hold of it”.

• Henry Ford said that the public “can have any colour car...as long as it’s black”. The modern day GAA poser has taken this timeless phrase/philosophy, flipped it on its head and adopted that approach to their football boots. It seems their ethos is that they can have any colour, as long as it’s NOT black.

• Somewhere in the stand will be the WAG, any score from the poser will be immediately followed by an over-elaborate gesture of love to said WAG.

• In extreme cases, the player will de-robe in the immediate aftermath of a score, revealing a personal message written on a t-shirt underneath his jersey. This message will often contain embarrassing spelling errors. Conor “Michéal Jackson” Mortimer, anyone?

• You could set the clock by them suffering a career threatening injury, only to make a miraculous recovery in time to kick the resulting free.

• More Skin (under armour) on show than a page 3 model.

• His mere presence will insight an all out brawl in the tunnel at half time....Well when I say all out brawl, I mean he will press his forehead against a couple of opponents foreheads before his captain comes in and pulls all of his team away. It’s become something of a ritual really.

• Can be seen in a zombie like state entering the dressing room, with oversized earphones, clearly visible, despite being sheltered under a mammoth hood.

• He is prone to having spats with his manager, especially if he is substituted.

• Any tattoos or body ink WILL be revealed throughout the course of the game, or the jersey will be discarded at the final whistle (despite Baltic conditions).

• Will usually have a piercing that will have to be made a big deal out of by plastering over it.

• Will have their boots personalised with their name and number.

• The modern day GAA poser will have some special move, unique to himself. Anything that deviates from the regular punt kick will suffice, be it the outside of the boot swerve pass (see Ciaran McDonald) or the dreaded drop kick.

• Physiotherapists and doctors alike are baffled at the problems with cramp that seems to be synonymous with posers.

• Any form of cold weather will require a snood

High profile, modern day GAA posers

High Profile GAA posers

Paul Galvin

Paul Galvin is the ultimate in GAA poser as well as being a walking juxtaposition. Not only is he the first footballer of the year winner to don skinny jeans and have a fashion column, but he’s probably the first genuine, bad-boy with skinny jeans.

Everything about Paul helps draw attention to himself, whether it’s his skin tight jeans, pushing referees or fish hooking his marker. Like him or loath him, everyone has an opinion on Paul Galvin as he epitomises the modern day GAA poser.

Conor Mortimer / Ciaran McDonald

The Mayo duo incurred the wrath of footballing legend Colm O’Rourke in 2006 when he slated their trademark bleached blonde hairstyle. The bleached, blonde Mayo boys are a rarity though as it is very rare to find TWO bona fide posers of this magnitude on the same team.

All the time spent in the hairdressers together must have paid dividend as Mortimer and McDonald developed a telepathic connection (a chemical thing) that carried Mayo to the All-Ireland Final in 2006, with the former becoming the top scorer in the championship that year, notching up an impressive 1-32. Mayo’s Croke Park hoodoo continued though as they lost out to Kerry in the final.

Conor had a fall from grace in 2009 when one of his stage managed PR stunts caused him some embarrassment. In the aftermath of pop legend Michael Jackson’s death (a huge influence on Conor’s football), Conor paid homage to the king of pop in his goal celebration, revealing under his jersey a message that read “RIP Micheál Jackson”.

Who knew ‘The Mort’ was such an avid supporter of the Irish language?

MJ Tierney

Michael John Tierney, as you can see above, is a fan of showcasing various GAA poser identifiers, with the bleached hair, socks up, white ankle socks, jersey sleeves taped up, discarding of the jersey and overall over-elaborate celebrations.

MJ specialises in the gimpy run up for free kicks, at which he is a master craftsman. No doubt about it, when it comes to gimpy run ups, MJ reigns supreme. Although, maybe he’s on to something as more often than not, he hits his target.

Colm Parkinson

Colm Parkinson is another one of football’s posers, come bad boy, getting into trouble on and off the field. In an interview with Newstalk in 2010, “Parky”, committed footballing blasphemy when he labelled  Mick O Dwyer “a bluffer”. With four All-Irelands as a player and eight as a manager I think we’re going to have to disagree Colm in this instance.

GAA poser Hall of Fame

Honorary members of the GAA poser Hall of fame

Trevor Giles

Owen Mulligan

Zach Tuohy

And finally...The arch nemesis of the GAA poser

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every poser, there is a Francie Bellew. The arch nemesis of the poser, he is described as an “agricultural footballer”, the type that resents any skill level in an opponent.

His rugged, haphazard appearance is offensive to the poser. He has taken his instruction to “let him know you’re there” far too seriously and is more than willing to partake in a good ol’ fashioned rastlin match with his marker.

As the majority of football fans are older, “not so gentle” men, the GAA poser alienates them, making the likes of Francie Bellew a fan favourite. They will roar inaudible words of encouragement as he “puts the fancy dan out over the line”.