Nobody can argue with number one (cough, cough)
If you just couldn’t be arsed cooking, it’s very likely that you’ll pick up a few chips for your dinner.
Let’s rank them, and when you’re done reading this come back and check out our favourite hangover foods.
15) Horrific chips that need to be removed from the earth
Ever go to a restaurant and they try to serve you ‘chips’ but in reality, the monstrosity on your plate is more like one-quarter of a whole potato that has been deep-fried?
We’re not against chunky chips – in fact, they make an appearance later – but massive ‘chips’ that are larger than your head should never be served at a restaurant.
Truth be told, they’re not even chips and they need to go away.
14) Oven chips
Like a relationship that has lost its passion, they’re just ‘there’ and you’re familiar with them.
Despite the fact that you persevere, you both know that the grass is greener elsewhere but there are some happy memories that are keeping you together.
These chips are always in your oven, they always stay the same and while some people like repetition, the sad fact is that they’re just bland when compared to what else is out there.
13) Homemade chips
Make them well and you’ll feel proud of yourself for hours. Make them horrifically and you’ll probably be calling the fire brigade.
Like all self-cooked meals, there is that sense that anything made by your own hands just tastes better.
Then again, can anyone be arsed peeling spuds? One for the ‘chip purists.’
12) Chunky chips
Soakage, carbs and a decent feed. To be honest, ordering chunky chips is all about your mentality at that particular time. If you’re up for the challenge, all the power to you.
They’re not the most aesthetically pleasing thing in the world. It’s sort of like opting to drive a Soviet tank when there’s a sleek and sexy Lamborghini that’s also on offer.
11) Sweet Potato fries
Controversial klaxon and the hill that I’ll happy to die on… but… I’m not overly fond of these.
I know, it’s all subjective and a matter of personal preference but be honest – who goes into the chipper at 2:37am when you’re out of your bin and says, “Excuse me Sir, do you have any sweet potato fries on the menu.”
Yeah, that sentence just sounds really weird. If you’ve a friend like this, don’t trust them.
10) Garlic chips
A fact of life. There is NO middle ground when it comes to garlic.
If you love it then it goes on everything. If you hate it, not even Dracula would have as big a hissy fit when he sees s clove of garlic.
This being said, chip lovers will know that garlic chips are entirely dependent on the sauce. If it’s good then not even Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and Chewbacca could pull you away from your feed.
If the sauce is bad then it’s probably too acidic. There’s nothing worse than being hungry, buying bad garlic chips and then having to throw them out.
It’s truly heartbreaking.
9) Twisty Fries
For €2, you can’t go wrong. There’s also the fact that they’re ‘exotic’ when compared to the more angular, traditional and rigid chip that we’re accustomed to.
A fine culinary invention.
Anyone else tempted to do the Homer Simpson “curly, straight, curly, straight” thing with them though?
*FYI, we considered including McDonald’s chips in here too but we’re not giving Ronald McDonald two plugs. That clown is rich enough already.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQP0i9teKXw
Clip via – Mr. Milgram
8) 3-in-one
To begin with, a word of appreciation for the old Chinese that I used to live by because they offered a 5-in-1. That got me through some tough and hangry times.
To be honest, the presence of the dull rice sort of dilutes the brilliance of chips but if the sauce is good, it can bring those two together in a harmonious way.
Not one for the ‘chip purists’ but nirvana for the hungover.
7) Bacon and cheese chips
To paraphrase Joey Tribbiani’s iconic line: “Chips. Good. Cheese. Good! Bacon. GOOD!”
6) Seasoned chips
Do you know those chips that have sprinklings of flavour/powder/spices etc that are thrown on top of them? Basically, they’re posh chips but damn do they taste good.
We’re also including any chips that are found in a spice bag because as you know, they absorb all the spices, peppers and seasoning from the contents of the bag.
5) Scrapings
You know what we’re talking about. The little shards, morsels and jagged golden nuggets of chips that you find at the end of the bag. They’re not quite chips, they’re not quite flakes, and they’re not quite mashed-up spuds that have been fried and crushed by the weight of the bigger chips at the top of the bag.
They’re just little piece of heaven.
Just when you possibly think that you can’t eat any more chips, these bad boys arrive like magic.
4) Curry chips
Ok, I’m about to make a very important point. Much like garlic chips, a decent portion of curry chips is ENTIRELY dependent on the sauce. If it’s too weak, watery or light then it’s absolute crap. Ask for your money back.
But… but… BUT… if the sauce is just right then you’re in heaven. The sauce really should be thick – kind of like a decent gravy – and if it’s tasty, we really won’t judge anyone for licking the aluminium container clean.
FYI, we’re going to throw curry cheese chips in here too. We know they’re different, but the same logic applies cc sauce.
3) Taco chips
Smart people order Taco chips on their way home after a few pints.
Why? Well, there are a few reasons. 1) They taste great – duh! 2) The chips and meat provide soakage that’s going to be much needed. 3) The meat is essential if you’ve skipped dinner in favour of a few pints. Basically, you feel like you’ve received a decent feed without shelling out for a burger, kebab etc. 4) The sauce….ah man, the sauce.
We could rank sauces and Taco sauce would feature very highly.
(Sorry, there’s some drool on the keyboard. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, the best types of chips.)
2) Garlic and cheese chips
Remember that point we made about regular garlic chips and the need for the sauce to be just right – aka not too acidic? Well, amplify that by 100 and you’ve got the importance, stature and respect that we hold for garlic and cheese chips.
On Mount Sinai, God gave Moses a tablet that was inscribed with the Ten Commandments and the word of God.
At 3:17 am when you’re locked and handed a delicious garlic and cheese chips, this kind person that’s working at the chipper becomes your new God.
That’s gospel because a good portion of garlic and cheese chips is a religious experience.
1) Chipper chips
Imagine this scenario. You’re at a restaurant and you’ve just enjoyed a 12-course-meal of the finest foods that are known to man. On top of this, your belly is full of wine and tea. Basically, your waistline feels like it’s Violet Beauregarde as she constantly expands and is ready to pop.
There isn’t a single thing that you can possibly eat. All of a sudden, you return home and find your roommate is after buying a bag of chipper chips that are seductively drenched in vinegar.
The smell tantalisingly wafts through the air, enters your nostrils and somehow it magically tells your stomach to ‘rip that feckin’ bag apart and stuff every single chip into me.’
It’s a classic for a reason. A word of appreciation for the chipper chips.
We’re not worthy.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
