How’s your foreskin?
I bet you’re thinking, “If I had a Euro for every time somebody asked me that question.”
OK, so you’re not exactly thinking that. Your more likely thinking, “That’s a weird question about something very personal, thanks very much. Mind yer own business, buddy.” Or something along those lines.
Well if you’re the proud owner of a foreskin, bear with me. If you’re not, this article really doesn’t apply to you at all. I’d recommend you read our interview with Gemma Arterton by clicking here instead.
Back to those of you out there with penises like mini anteaters (which accounts for the vast majority of us here in Ireland). I’ll ask again. How’s your foreskin?
Hopefully it spends most of its time doing its job covering up the glans at the end of your todger. Then when it comes down to a bit of amorous action it retracts neatly out of the way. If that’s the case, good for you.
A tight squeeze
For many men, however, the auld cock sleeve can be a little bit on the tight side. If this is the case, you may be suffering from phimosis.
I believe that these days he uses his foreskin to smuggle marmosets into Waterford.
Just as an aside, when I was at college there was a fella there who could stretch his foreskin over the rim of a glass. What he did wasn’t big or clever (although the fact that he was able to stretch his foreskin over a glass meant that it had to have been fairly big) but it was quite some party trick.
It’s also fair to say that he never suffered from phimosis. I believe that these days he uses his foreskin to smuggle marmosets into Waterford. Either that or he works as an accountant – can’t quite remember which, but definitely one or the other.
Anyway, back to those who can’t retract their foreskin properly. For men finding themselves in this situation, the condition can be uncomfortable, painful and results in repeated infections as it becomes difficult to wash sufficiently to stop a build up of bacteria. Phimosis can be caused by poor personal hygiene in the first place, which leads to redness, sometimes quite severe inflammation and possible scarring. A reason if ever you needed one to keep things clean down there.
Once you start suffering from repeated infections, the delicate skin tissue will go through a process of partial healing/partial flare-up/partial healing again. Scar tissue keeps building up and breaking down. Eventually, the scar tissue becomes fibrous.
Tough, fibrous scar tissue lacks the elasticity of normal skin, which explains why what was once a simple task becomes impossible. You may be able to pull your foreskin back, but may well struggle to get it to go forward again, effectively strangling your penis partway down. It’s also likely you’ll find it difficult to pee as the tightened foreskin acts as a stopcock (pun intended).
Equally, you could just be genetically prone to the condition. Either way, you need to get something done about it.
Cock cutting measures
In years gone by the answer was for a doctor to make a small incision in the ring around the top of your foreskin, and/or perform a circumcision. This may still be the only way to give you relief and get things working as they should, but increasingly it’s possible to avoid enduring such extreme cock cutting measures. If your foreskin isn’t badly fibrous then it may be possible to gently stretch it over a short period of time.
If that doesn’t work, you could still avoid surgery. Doctors are increasing offering patients a steroid cream (such as betamethasone) which you then apply to the end of your penis on a regular basis for around four weeks. This makes the fibruous skin more supple and after a few applications your foreskin should behave itself and stop being so stubborn.
This is clearly good news, as it’s always better to avoid an operation if you can. What no-one has yet explained is this: what exactly was the person who realised that the steroid cream worked doing with it at the time?
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
