Our 20-step guide to get through Saturday’s 23-hour sporting marathon

Tomorrow is one of the all-time great sporting days. We’re here to hold your hand and get you through a truly epic day of sport watching.

Friday, 7pm: Preparation starts now. We don’t mean to be a killjoy but you need to get to bed early tonight. No drinking either, this is a serious business and if you can drink lots of water and maybe lash a load of chicken and pasta into you before bed then all the better. You’re facing into a very, very long day. Oh, and buy snacks. As many snacks as your hands can carry and pockets can afford. You’re like a marathon runner, but instead of energy gels you need potato and corn-based treats to get through the day. Friday 10pm: Set the alarm. As they say in the NBA, it is all about the fundamentals. If you wake up midway through the Merseyside derby, you’ll be kicking yourself. Saturday 5.30am: If you are really hardcore, then get up for the AFL Grand Final on ESPN, bouncing up at this ungodly hour. If you skip this we won’t tell anyone, but we will think less of you. Saturday, 7am: The morning’s action tees off with the first Ryder Cup fourball at 7.35am. This is shockingly early for us, and we assume for you too, on a Saturday. Chances are you will be more lethargic than a sloth on ketamine so get up a few minutes early to get your caffeine hit in. Exposure to large doses of Monty at this hour could send you back to sleep and remember, SLEEP IS THE ENEMY. Saturday 9am: Now that you're in the swing of things, this is the time of the day to get any essential communications done. Your partner/family/friends may query your whereabouts but as you will definitely not be leaving the house under any circumstances, it is best to tell those who may care now. It will prevent your name appearing on the news at 9 o’clock, worrying the whole parish. Saturday 11am: Time for the first food of the day. At this stage, it is too early to call for a takeaway so try to get something that is quick (obviously) and easy into you. Porridge, cereal, last night’s left over pasta and chicken, all lifesavers here. Saturday 12.40pm: Time to start two-screening. As the Merseyside derby kicks off in five minutes, you will need to watch BT and Sky Sports at the same time. Here is where an abundance of plugs, good wi-fi and supreme concentration is required. Clear your mind of all other thoughts, and focus zen-like on the two sporting events. Saturday 12.43pm: Scratch that and check Twitter, Facebook and the latest odds and Fantasy Football while also trying to watch both sports. Multitasking is no bother to you. We believe in you. Saturday 2.45pm: The Liverpool/Everton game will be over by now, but the golf continues. If you must, now is probably the best window to go to the jacks and make more coffee. And, don’t forget, Manchester United v West Ham is on Setanta at 3.00. Saturday 3.45pm: With the Setanta lads taking a half-time breather, this is the window to get a sandwich in. Or just eat more crisps, we’re not your Ma. Saturday 4.45pm: Things get tricky now. The live soccer is over for 45 minutes, but the golf is still going strong and there is the small matter of the All-Ireland final in 15 minutes. The next two hours are going to be among the most intense of the week. Gird your loins. Saturday 5.30pm: If you want to watch the Arsenal game, and keep an eye on the golf and the hurling, it is time for a third screen. You should now resemble one of those harassed stock traders you see in montages about the financial crisis. Only you are not responsible for the destruction of the world’s wealth. And you’re happier than any man should be. Saturday 7.30pm: At last, the day is slowing down. It is crucial now that you don’t slack off as you go past the halfway mark. If you haven’t already, which we highly doubt, treat yourself to a drink though, you deserve it. Also move around a bit, you’re probably getting some sort of skin infection. Saturday 7.31pm: Now you have sat back down, order a load of food from your favourite takeaway and start to scan the schedules. The options are not bad: Munster will be midway through their match against Ospreys on Sky Sports 2, Sky Sports 5 are showing Atletico Madrid v Sevilla (7pm) and Atalanta v Juve is on BT1 at 7.45. These will take you handily up to 9.30, when, if you really must, you can make a run to the off-licence. Saturday, 10pm: Just in case you missed anything, check out Sky Sports News for the next half hour. You can’t be too careful on a day like this. Saturday, 10.30pm: Match of the Day is mandatory here. As are more snacks. If Lawro is on we apologise. Sunday, 00.05am: We’re big fans of the Football League Show on the BBC but if you did sleep through the AFL Grand Final earlier today (for shame) you can catch the last hour now on BT1. Sunday, 1am: UFC 178 prelims start on BT1. If you are starting to flag, take yourself off to the bathroom, and have a look in the mirror. A real sports fan will recognise what you have already achieved by the look on your face and the eyes will burn brightly with the desire to see this out. That or you are now delirious and talking to yourself in the mirror. Sorry about that. Sunday 3am: The main card of the UFC kicks off now, so you are almost at the summit of your day. Yes, it might be 20-odd hours since you started your day but you can’t quit now. Sunday 4.30am: Conor McGregor should be in the ring at about 4ish so we hope he should be all wrapped up by 4.30. Much as we love him, we may have to leave the post-match stuff for the morning as we slope off to bed, more couch than man.