We are bagsying the following ‘Brits’.
In the name of God and of the dead generations from which she receives her old tradition of nationhood, Ireland, through us, summons her children to her flag and strikes for her freedom.
The English media has never had many (or any) qualms about claiming Irish athletes, actors and musicians as British (as long as they are successful). In recent weeks, however, they have upped their game – stapling a Union Jack to Conor McGregor the second he beat Chad Mendes, and golfer Paul Dunne as soon as he looked like he might win the open (although Mark James’ attempt to explain the comments was fairly hilarious).
We at JOE.ie have had quite enough of this vulturous, predatory, colonial nonsense and have decided to take back who is rightfully ours.
1) Ed Sheeran
Ed Sheeran’s grandparents are from Gorey, Co. Wexford so the young singer-songwriter is all good on the genetic front. He’s also got the red hair, the right name and a tattoo of the lyrics to Foy Vance’s ‘Guiding Light’ poorly translated into Irish on his arm. He’ll be at Croke Park this weekend for the official conversion ceremony.
2) All of Oasis
Liam and Noel Gallagher were born in Manchester to Irish parents Peggy and Thomas Gallagher. The brothers share a tempestuous relationship typical of Irish siblings, but together they have also released some of the classic songs of our generation. All five original members of Oasis share Irish roots.
Former Oasis guitarist Paul ‘Bonehead’ Arthurs has spoken of the importance of ‘Celtic blood’ as a crucial element in the success of music from Liverpool and Manchester.
3) Jack Grealish
This one shouldn’t be so complicated. Jack Grealish has scored six goals at schoolboy level for the Republic of Ireland and he’s even played gaelic football for a GAA club in Warwickshire.
We’ve had just a bit of tumult over Grealish’s international future and with whom it might lie but for now we are putting our foot down and calling the lad Irish.
4) Daniel Day-Lewis
Daniel Day-Lewis has already done most of the work for us here. The actor, who won his first Academy Award for his portrayal of Irishman Christy Brown in My Left Foot, became a bona fide Irish citizen in 1993.
According to legend, he can be seen running barefoot through the Wicklow Mountains of a given weekend.
5) Dominic West
Dominic West, perhaps better known as Detective Jimmy McNulty, spent four years studying in Ireland’s own Trinity College before going on to play a Baltimore cop (of Irish descent) in HBO’s critically-acclaimed TV series The Wire.
Some media outlets take into account things like direct parentage or places of birth when deciding somebody’s nationality but bastions of journalistic integrity like the BBC know that such processes are painstaking, trivial and unnecessary. Irish.
6) Wayne Rooney
Few Irish footballers have achieved quite so much as Wayne Rooney. The Manchester United striker is in the prime of his career and is likely to overtake Dennis Law and Bobby Charlton as United’s all-time top scorer within the next two years.
Rooney has said on record that he never even considered playing for Ireland but we think the Rooney doth protest too much. Fáilte, a chara.
7) Pete Doherty
Before we began this list we weren’t quite aware of just quite how much of Great Britain’s music scene that we’re actually responsible for…
Infamous Libertine and Babyshamble Pete Doherty has one Irish grandfather who hailed from Cheekpoint, Co. Waterford which, according to our Mark James’ Calculator™, makes him 100% Irish.
8) Morrissey
Steven Patrick Morrissey, lead singer of legendary mope-rockers The Smiths, has acknowledged his Crumlin roots in his song ‘Irish Blood, English Heart’, in which he bids English people to ‘spit upon the name of Oliver Cromwell’. He certainly talks the talk, but can he walk the walk?
What’s that? He’s Robbie Keane’s second cousin? Well, that’s a level of Irishness most of us could only dream of.
9) Professor Dumbledore and Professor Snape
Michael Gambon, also known as Albus Dumbledore, was actually born in Cabra and lived in Ireland until he was five. Similarly, Alan Rickman is supposedly of Irish descent according to his IMDb profile.
In accordance with BBC journalism guidelines, no further research into this claim is required before adding him to our list.
10) The Beatles
That Yellow Submarine could’ve been green y’know. Introducing the most successful Irish four-piece since Westlife. John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison can all trace their lineage back to various parts of Ireland. You are welcome, music.
As a compromise, we have agreed to let the UK keep Ringo. It was a small price to pay.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoF-7VMMihA
11) Piers Morgan
Just kidding. Absolutely not. Stop calling us, Piers.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
