Before you go out there and crush it, let’s lay down a few ground rules.
The snow has come, and you’ve been blessed with that phonecall, which either tells you that school, college or work is off. What do you do now?
Stay warm?
Hell, no.
Your spirit animal is a samurai sword, not a kitten in mittens. You’ve got a snowball fight to arrange. Call the world, your friends and arch-enemies. Tell them this will decide everything. EVERYTHING!
But before that, you need to know the basics. A good snowball fight requires preparation, laws, movie montages and warm things. Take those on board and you will succeed.
Run out there carefree and you will fall at the first hurdle.
Fortunately, we’ve got your back here. So, if you want to win, pay close attention.
1. Stock up
Not so much a rule, but a good pointer ahead of time. Winners don’t start building up their arsenal after the first shot is fired. They go to the scene way in advance and do the preparation.
In fact, prep a few snowmen too as cover. It’s like chess. Protect the best by knocking up a couple of pawns.
Nobody’s gonna screw around with a few of these bad boys.
2. No stones in the snow
There are only two reasons to justify putting stones in your snowball. Either you are facing off a villain in a Clint Eastwood-style one-on-one duel, or you are battling the high school bully, Donovan. Unfortunately, both of these scenarios are non-existent outside the movies, meaning you have no excuse.
Stones in the snow is just asking for fun time to be halved. Better to consistently hammer the enemy with a hail of snowballs, than to send one lethal shot their way. Plus, it means this doesn’t end in a shouting match. Nobody wants a snow fight to end in a trial to determine whether or not you are a war criminal. Avoid the stones, and focus on making the snowball as hard as you can without any side materials. You can’t be penalised that way.
3. No yellow snow
This one almost goes without saying. Do not touch the yellow snow. Do not throw it. Especially don’t eat it, but it’s probably just a good rule not to eat snow as a whole. In saying that, someone who is willing to pick up yellow snow probably doesn’t abide by the conventional laws of the snowball fight, say, for example, a group of snow-covered Nazi zombies.
Yeah, they definitely look like they’d be willing to touch their own pee. So if you see these guys, a few precautionary measures will be necessary.
You see there are tricks to getting around the yellow snow rule, which not even a UN Weapons Inspection might catch you on. Namely, your levels of hydration, because as we all know, being well hydrated means it’s going to be a lot clearer. So you might not necessarily see the threat as it’s flying at you.
A good rule of thumb is to generally forbid anyone who is guzzling water before a snowball fight. They’re loading up and keeping hydrated. That person is a massive threat to your squadron. Establish the rule that nobody is permitted to drink water one hour before a fight. It covers a lot of ground. You won’t be 100% safe though, so keeping in mind that a few people are bending the rules, the best way of staying free of the pee is to generally avoid all incoming snow-jectiles.
4. 100 points for the face
If you’re willing to abide by the above rules, then this should be a-okay. A clean and lawful bullseye deserves all of the points. It’s probably going to be tricky if you’re in the line of fire to make this target, so best get a good sniper. Our suggestion here is the teammate you caught chugging water before this all began. Get them to play by the rules and you’ll be scoring 100 points off everybody.
5. Marigolds under your gloves
The real killer in a snow fight is not the opposition, but the cold. Those hands will get the better of you quicker than you expect if you’re only packing a pair of gloves.
The solution? Marigolds. Raid the cupboards and do the dishes the night before, just to ensure that nobody has those rubber gloves reserved when the big fight comes.
5. Nobody can bring their half-elf step brother
We get it, Buddy is still new to the city and he’s a little bit odd. We know that your mum thinks getting him out of the house might help that too, but it’s simply not fair for you to bring their half-elf step brother along to these things. He can join us for other events – pancake eating competitions, karaoke nights, saving Christmas etc. – but snowball fights? No, we’re trying to create an even playing field.
Clip via VelocityABQ
6. No mittens
We’re trying to look like an army here. Come on.
7. No internal monologues
Yes, we all know Apocalypse Now was really cool, but these things take up time. When you’re out there fighting, the last thing you need is for somebody to take a sidebar and ramble on about their worries.
Clip via Alex Beere
Save the monologues for the cinema and get your head in the game.
8. Agree on a prize
It could be the respect of some tough guy or general street credibility, but if you want to push your team, they need to have that prize at the end of it all. The stakes need to be raised a little bit, but in saying that…
9. No cash prize
Seriously? This isn’t Vegas. We need to get away from money, because that is just an invite for all of the rules to be broken.
Do not under any circumstances agree on a cash prize. At the most, a few scratch cards, but no hard cash. You’ll be either broke or broken by the stones, or both.
10. Have fun…
For legal reasons, we have to mention this one. Otherwise, a very concerned parent is going to be making a few phone calls.
In reality, we’re past fun. This isn’t a birthday at the bowling alley. It’s a snowball fight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIvRkjOd1f8
Clip via FoxHomeEntertainmentUK
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