It's the Devil, we tells ya!

1) It's forced romance If you love or care about someone then you shouldn't feel forced, pressurised or manipulated into giving them a few presents just because some martyr died on this day and society says you should. You should just do it, regardless of the day. Forced romance will now be referred to as 'fomance'. We reckon that most people would prefer to get some chocolates or flowers on a random day when they're feeling really sh#*ty as opposed to a day when they're expecting it. The whole day is marketing at its very best, just go down the pub and let the whole thing blow over. 2) It's expensive Demand and supply. If saps are happy to pay double the amount that's usually required for a meal, box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers then that's their business. Just do what we do, plan in advance by buying in bulk during the June period. Dead flowers are still flowers. 3) Rush, rush, rush In the event that you're naive/foolish enough to go to a restaurant then you should be prepared to have your starter, mains and desert all served at the same time. As soon as your plate touches the table, an egg-timer will instantly start as you and your partner scoff your faces in an epic race to beat the clock while trying to finish your food in under 30 minutes. Fine dining at its best. We imagine that most people will end up eating their food like this. https://twitter.com/simpsons_addict/status/540946098375114753 4) It's crazy but the chipper isn't acceptable Apparently a bag of chips and a can of Coke isn't what society deems as a romantic date. We blame Richard Curtis and Hugh Grant for making all those films. If Julia Roberts in Notting Hill felt like a snack-box was above her then we really don't want anything to do with her. 5) The thought never counts A crap present is still a crap present, the only difference is that you now have to sit through a really awkward dinner with your partner while they scold you from across the table. 6) It's a no-win day Get the present/card right and it's just a given. If you make a balls of them though, you might be spending next Valentine's Day with someone else or on your own. We maintain that these cards from our mate Rob Stears are perfectly fine though. 7) Guys really don't care about it Girls, we love you all but men really don't care about Valentine's Day. Of course we like to see a smile on your face but in comparison to All-Ireland Sunday or Champions League Final Saturday, Valentine's Day can kiss our arse. 8) Men expect nothing Again, we're very happy to pay for presents, flowers, meals etc (once they're reasonably priced and can all be found in the local shop) but guys rarely get anything in return, nor do we expect anything. Here's the usual scenario on Valentine's Day morning. Man gets card from his partner. Man reads it and acknowledges the lovely thought that went into buying and writing said card. Man puts card on shelf. Man resumes his regular thought process about what a crossover between a gorilla and a rabbit might look like... 9) The secret meaning behind great gifts This is just a personal theory of mine but I reckon that most people who receive a fantastic gift are naturally pre-programmed into thinking that their partner has done something seriously wrong and that they're trying to cover their tracks. Ask yourself this. Have you ever given/received a nice gift from your partner and instantly thought, "they must have done something terrible or made a balls up somewhere."

10) If you're single

Trust us, the world won't end if you're single on Valentine's Day and as #764 of the 'Irish Mammy Phrase Book' says, 'it's better to be single than spend your time with an absolute head melting wench / lying, cheating, boring caveman.' We paraphrased that one. If you're single then it's almost expected that you'll be heading into town in some desperate attempt to grab anyone. Feck that we say, the Champions League is on. Stay in with some cans and a take-away. 11) Grand sweeping gestures always backfire We won't name any names but one JOE had a spectacular fail on Valentine's Day after he made his then girlfriend a mixed tape to mark their first February 14th together. He ran over to her apartment in the rain, rang the doorbell and stood in nervous but loving anticipation. This journalist was then informed by this girlfriend's roommate that she was currently sitting in the living room with her new boyfriend. The worst part of the story is yet to come though. While this man was drying off like a dog that just came in from the rain, his now ex-girlfriend actually started playing the mixed tape he made for her whilst she was cuddling up with her new fella. 12) Good music becomes insufferable Marvin Gaye - Let's Get it On, The Beach Boys - God Only Knows and Barry White - Can't Get Enough of Your Love should all be banned from the airwaves on Valentine's Day. They're amazing songs but no, just no. *We will give a restaurant €50 to play this to their customers on Valentine's Day. It would be the funniest thing of all-time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1zCN0YhW1s Note: We don't have €50 because its all gone on presents obviously. 13) Bad choices Word of advice if you're single, get rid of your mobile phone because you might just end up texting your ex in an uncharacteristic weak moment. Never a good idea. 14) It's not that bad though. Remember, there's always someone worse. Have a great Valentine's Day, everyone.