Do you know any of these people?
All Irish people love going to the pub because it offers us a chance to relax, catch up with friends and unwind from our stressful daily routine.
We all have a unique fondness for our local watering hole because it’s ingrained in our culture but there’s a few people that we could do without seeing.
Here’s just some of the people to be avoided in your local pub.
1) The creep
We’ve all chatted up members of the opposite sex and enjoyed being ‘on the pull’ but no one wants to be weirded out by some lecherous guy that’s doing the exact opposite of ‘playing it cool.’
No girl will ever shift someone that’s creepier than a clown that’s staring at them while most guys will be smart enough to avoid a stage nine clinger.
2) The person that commentates on every match
These people are the very worst because they fail to understand the main reason why you’re at the pub in the first place; to watch, hear and enjoy the match.
There’s nothing worse than being located within hearing distance of someone that thinks they’re George Hamilton or Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh.
It’s especially awful during rugby matches because they have absolutely NO clue about the rules and usually shout utter shite like, “penalty ref, he’s in from the side. IN FROM THE SIDE.”
3) Uncomfortable conversation maker
Pubs are ideal for a bit of craic and chat, however, there’s always one person that comes up to you in a bar, whether drunk or sober, who thinks that you’ll lend them a friendly ear.
Something in their brain suggests that you’re the right person to hear their rant, lecture or complete drivel. Why? Just why?
Irish people are far too nice for their own good so we indulge these ranters.
Oh yeah, they also have no concept of personal space because it seems like they’re about two inches from your face whilst talking to you.
Awkward.
4) Duck face girl
Have you ever seen a girl that walks around the club or bar with a massive sour-faced look on her face?
This can only be caused by three things.
A) They’re after having a shot of tequila and accidentally inhaled the lemon.
B) They heard that a modelling agent for Chanel actually drinks in your local and they constantly need to project ‘the look’.
C) They’re absolute gombeens.
5) Angry queuer at the bar
Relax lad, you’ll get served eventually.
There’s no need to act like a 13 year old girl that just heard about Zayn leaving Take That, Westlife, Boyzone, Megadeth.
For those that have worked in a bar, you’ll know just how irritating it is when people snap their fingers at you, wave in your direction or loudly tap their coins against the counter-top in an effort to be heard.
The correct protocol in this situation is to pretend that these patrons don’t exist.
6) The boring people
God love them but they could ruin the fun at a ‘Free beer and helper monkey’ party.
Avoid any person whose stories usually take about 7 minutes to end and ultimately go nowhere.
These 7 minutes could be better spent flipping beer mats, playing Connect Four in your head or staring at the wall.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxVLaTVBnpg
7) The phantom farter
Anyone that farts in your vicinity is an absolute gremlin of the highest order.
The worst of these people are the ones who come over, fart and then leave. Don’t be this person.
8) The next venue planner
Have you ever been in this scenario?
You and your friends have just arrived at a bar, you haven’t even ordered your first drink and yet one of your mates instantly says that ‘this place is s**t, I knew we should have went to McGowan’s etc’.
Christ almighty, give us patience.
9) The troublemaker
We’re all in favour of a little mischief over the weekend but it has to be kept in moderation.
For example, a decision to steal your mate’s shoes is a good idea.
Getting so drunk that you want to fight the bouncer whilst trying to climb into your own puke-filled shoes is not a good idea.
10) The person that’s always on their phone
All of the following acts are punishable by a severe paddling;
A) Constantly replying to your girlfriend/boyfriend’s text messages.
B) Tagging yourself in at every venue, for gods sake just enjoy your night. Plus, no one cares where you are.
C) People that are ALWAYS on Facebook.
Isn’t it ironic that certain people are talking with their ‘social media friends’ while the rest of their actual ‘real-life’ mates want to kill them because they’re being ignored?
11) The photo taker
This writer feels so strongly about men taking photos that it deserves to have its own point as opposed to being included in the one above.
No one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever appreciate having their picture taken at 3am because they look absolutely hammered.
No good can come from this and the memento of any good night should only be a hangover.
The pictures usually end up looking like this also.
12) The story upper
You could be telling a story to your friends involving all of the following;
Monkeys, craic, drink, lightsabers, bungee-jumps, sharks, celebrities, football, money, pirates, lions, sex, aliens and a time-machine but there’s always one friend who thinks that their story about hanging wallpaper with their gran is much better.
They usually have a face like this during your story also.
What’s equally as bad are those people who just can’t seem to follow a train of thought and need every story, anecdote or joke explained to them very carefully before it registers.
Their minds must be like this.
13) People that dodge a round
Every person has been broke before, that’s grand because in this situation you usually just buy for yourself. No biggie.
What I can’t stand are those people who find excuses to nip out when the pints are running low.
You usually hear the following, “sorry, I have to use the bathroom/make a call/ meet a friend etc.”
This should be a crime that’s punishable by death because they usually vanish like this when it’s their time to buy a few drinks.
14) An angry barman
We understand that dealing with a drunken public is awful because they’re usually dribbling, stumbling and incoherent adult-babies.
We also know that the job can be really hard because you’re constantly on your feet but there’s no need to be all ‘Roy Keane’ towards everyone.
If you want to kill every person that walks in the door then it’s time to rethink things. Maybe a Coke and a smile will help?
15) People that don’t share their crisps
We have it on good authority that every single war in history was waged against those people who didn’t share a bag of crisps, peanuts or Pringles with their friends in pubs.
If you know anyone who has done this before then name and shame them. Boo!
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
