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29th Mar 2015

15 in ’15 : People that you meet in every Irish secondary school

Which one are you?

Paul Moore

Which one are you?

Secondary-school is like the strangest, funniest and most fecked up reality TV show that you’ll ever be involved with.

Concept: Take a bunch of strangers, put them in the same room and hope that, 1) They learn something, 2) They behave and 3) No one suffers any serious trauma that will scar them for life.

The US might revel in their concept of nerds, jocks and prom queens but we do things a lot differently here in Ireland.

So here are the 15 people that you’re likely to see in an Irish secondary-school and feel free to add your own…

1) The hoodie brigade

This is the guy who refuses to take off his GAA tracksuit top or hoodie no matter what the conditions are.

It could be 100°C in the classroom and this person would still think that he’s being offensive to his club by not proudly wearing their colours all the time.

The sheer look of disgust on this persons face when a teacher gives out to them for not being in uniform is terrific.

A Kilmallock supporter urges his team on 17/3/2015

The other hoodie wearers were usually those that wore a RATM, Korn or Linkin Park top who only know one song when you ask them to name their favourite tunes.

2) The lad that’s ALWAYS late

Classes start at 9am so you know that James is going to stroll in like he’s the Pope of Chillitown at 9.27 without a single care in the world.

3) The harmless messer that makes everyone laugh

Every class needs one of these people, they might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but who else would try and glue their own face to the desk for the craic?

4) The ‘example’ to follow

‘Why can’t you all be like Sean?’; ‘Sarah, go and photocopy your answers because they’re so good and hand them out to the class’; ‘David, you’re the only person here that’s not going to fail the Leaving Cert, end up as a degenerate hobo and dance in front of strangers for money’.

Harsh but all classrooms had one of these people and no one liked them.

5) The Invisible Man

The person in your class who was so quiet that you would swear to God that they were never in your class to begin with.

You know the types, that guy in your yearbook photo that looked like they wandered in and got lost.

Cole

6) The Thick One

Some people are great at maths but can’t cook, others can build a house but would get lost on their own street.

There’s no accounting though for a guy that forgets the code to his own bike lock. Twice. In the same day.

dougal

7) The voice breaker

Puberty is bloody awful but there can be a hilarious side to it too.

All lads secretly prayed that their name wasn’t called out by the teacher to read a passage of text but we did love hearing the old reliable ‘squeaky voiced’ guy speaking because his voice had more ups and downs than a roller coaster.

On the other side of things, you also have the person in your class that read at the speed of light because they knew lunchtime was coming and that the teacher wouldn’t let the class out for break until the chapter was finished.

8) The poor guy that’s constantly outside the door

We’ve all acted up in school and got answers wrong on a test but some people seem to be constantly feckin’ up and being made to stand outside the classroom as a form of punishment.

Things were so bad for one classmate of this writer that I genuinely thought he was training to become one of those Buckingham Palace guards.

The walk from their desk to the corridor usually went something like this.

9) The stuttering guy at the blackboard

I’m convinced that there’s still nothing that’s more terrifying than having to get up in front of the class to prove a maths theorem or recite a poem.

Even the coolest of teenagers would turn into a pile of quivering jelly and probably crap themselves in this situation.

Still though, how funny was it when one person went up to the blackboard and started jibbering utter shite. Cue the teacher tearing them apart.

10) Jay

No one, and I mean no one , is living the wild Colin Farrell-esque party lifestyle during secondary-school.

This doesn’t stop that one particular classmate from bragging about a girl that he shifted over the weekend, they’re from a school two towns over of course, or the epic hat-trick that he scored on Sunday… despite the game being called off.

These lads are easy to spot because they’re the guys that go crazy whenever the female students from another school arrive for their TY class of woodwork.

Innuendo filled jokes are their specialty.

11) Your rival

Never talked to them, never made an effort to know them but you always hated them. Why? The play for the rival club. No further explanation needed.

DickByrne

12) The questioner

What did you get for question 5? Where are you going to college? What’s on your CAO? Did you finish that paper? Do we have double English today?

The answer to all of these questions.. Feck off.

mrw_i_see_annoying_couples_on_facebook-25735

13) Angry at everything person

You: Morning Roy, how are you?

Roy: (Angry grunt)

You: I hear you now shite gold?

Roy: (Angrier grunt)

You: What do you make of that whole ‘world peace is official now’ development?

Roy: (Reaches for his sharp compass)

FBL-WC-2014-FRIENDLY-ITA-IRL

14) ‘This one time at Band Camp’ person

We love our movie, TV and obscure pop-culture quotes here at JOE Towers but have you ever had a conversation with a person in school and felt like you had NO clue what the bejesus they were talking about?

It’s probably because they used so many classical pop-culture quotes that you felt like you were watching a movie.

Surely we can’t be serious?

Shirley

15) The rest

Congratulations. If you didn’t see yourself in any of the 14 other categories then you’re probably sound, like this guy…

Fonzy