Can you relate to this?
We’d wager that most of you will have spent some time working in an office before and while there’s no denying that it’s a place of business, most offices can be soul-destroying at times.
Here are a few of the painful truths that I, your humble author, can remember from my time working in an office.
Let me know if there are any other ones that I’ve left out or that drive you absolutely insane.
1) Looking the part
There are days when you just don’t want to wear a suit into work, while I’d imagine that some girls hate the fact that they have to give up an extra few minutes of sleep in the morning so they can apply their make-up.
Can’t we all just show up wearing some slippers and a robe?
2) Arriving late
If you had a night on the beer and are feeling a little bit ‘foggy’ then there really is no hiding place as you try your best to quietly sneak in.
Someone will spot you though. They always do.
3) The Boring trilogy
All of the following will chip away at your sanity and patience.
Presentations
Have you ever found yourself looking at so many Excel sheets that you swear that they’re all starting to look like the wallpaper that your Mam used to cover your schoolbooks with?
Also, all PowerPoint presentations are the same. Every. Single. One.
Graphs go up. Pie-charts are pieing and people don’t care.
Corporate talk
My boss: “Paul, the quarterly financials are improving due to the company’s expansion into some potentially lucrative markets. I believe that an approach that uses synergy and quantitative market research is our best corporate strategy. What do you think?
Me: Erm…
Meetings
I guarantee you that anyone who has been in an office boardroom meeting has contemplated doing this at some point.
It will never go away and I’ve a theory why. People will always want to do the opposite of what they’re told and in an office you’re supposed to be professional, dignified and hard-working.
This is what people really want to do.
5) IT problems
Ever tried to organise a conference call and then given up all hope after five seconds? How about getting your IT support to recover the report that you were working on all morning but has somehow disappeared.
6) Passive aggressive notes
We get it, you’re not happy that some dishes were left in the sink.
Then again, in the time that it took you to write this ‘witty’ notice, you could have just said it to the person responsible and not caused every person in the office to react like this after seeing this note.
7) HR dragging your holiday request out
You’ve time to take. Your manager says it’s fine. Flights are booked. HR will still find a way to make you panic.
How we all pine for that glorious moment when we’re free from work and our holiday awaits.
8) Grey, grey everywhere
I know that there’s a big move to make most modern offices ‘cool’, ‘hip’, ‘bodacious’ or whatever stale lingo that your higher-ups are using.
Still, though, an office is a soul-crushing place that’s a haven for grey desks, grey monitors and grey conversations.
It’s grey.
9) Small talk
Lobby, canteen, desk, elevator, bathroom… it can’t be avoided. To be honest, I’d probably be able to talk for Ireland but there’s only so many times that you can answer the question ‘how was your weekend?’.
After the third time I usually just reply with the following:
It was grand. Pretty quiet actually. Got rat-arsed drunk on moonshine with Helen from accounting before we both decided to wear the face off each other. For some reason, we then broke into the zoo and walked around whilst giving the middle finger to all the animals. You?“.
10) Rushing lunch
It should be illegal to force any person to rush eating their sandwich. Chris Rock absolutely hits the nail on the head regarding the corporate culture that ruins your ham and cheese sambo.
11) People talking loudly on the phone
They do know that other people can hear them, right?
12) Fear of being caught on Facebook
Any excuse to avoid some work is always welcome. Then again, have you ever been caught creeping on someone’s profile when you should have been working?
13) E-mail craic
Why do people always expect you to instantly reply to things? It’s not like you’ve got stacks of work to do and loads of annoying clients that are demanding stuff.
Also, why do people send an e-mail when they’re sitting two chairs over from you? If this ever happens then just write your reply using a pen and paper. Take the paper, roll it up into a ball and throw it at their head.
It’s what Chuck Norris would do.
14) Dislike for that co-worker
There’s always some person in your office that’s the very definition of an asshole.
Trust me, you’re not being mean. Scientists could be working in a specialised asshole laboratory, hoping to create the perfect asshole and still won’t come close to matching this person for sheer assholery.
15) Babies in work
We get it, you think that your baby is the cutest baby in the history of time. Using this principle, could I bring in a piece of cake and have 30 minutes away from my desk to admire it also?
It really is the nicest piece of cake that you’ll ever see. This is apt.
16) One-to-ones
What you really want to say:
“I’m working my balls off here and I genuinely deserve a pay increase. I’m overworked and stressed but my work remains at an incredibly high standard. You’re lucky to have me.”
What you actually say:
“Yep, no complaints with me.”
17) The perks
Payday is amazing plus you’ve got a new-found appreciation for your weekends. It should also be noted that there’s always one person in your office that makes your day a WHOLE lot better. Whoever could that be?
Here’s hoping that the tried and trusted office romance will work out for you guys.