1. Not a day goes by without unexpectedly finding one of these fuckers somewhere in the house.
And yet they're never there when she needs one.
2. Your place smells of nice things rather than the stale stench of eternal loneliness.
3. You find out if you're living with an inhuman monster by the way they squeeze toothpaste from the tube.
Confirmed: inhuman monster.
4. The bed sheets get changed more than once a year now.
5. Your plain white Dunnes Stores mugs and plates are replaced by china with colours and patterns and other fancy shit.
6. Instead of watching stuff on Netflix, you now just argue about what to watch on Netflix instead.
7. There's actually food in the fridge rather than the usual Nothing with an extra serving of Fuck All.
8. If stray hairs were a currency, you'd be a millionaire.
9. Your new job title is Chief Spider Catcher and Ejector.
Or it's her new job title, depends who's the bigger wuss.
10. Despite having never touched a spanner before, you suddenly know how to fix everything.
Or at least you think you do.
11. The only place you get any time to yourself is on the toilet, which is where you spend a fair amount of time.
12. There are cushions e v e r y w h e r e.
Photo: @NotTopGearRH
13. The amount of junk food you eat will either dramatically increase or dramatically decrease.
If we had to put money on it, we would say... increase. Who can say no to Two for Tuesdays anyway?
14. Wednesday night is Bake Off night. You now know that this is non-negotiable.
Photo: BBC
This is shit with which you do not fuck.
15. You now have to call. Whatever you're doing, how late you're going to be, whatever it is, you have to call.
You may end up learning this lesson the hard way, but you'll learn it.
16. You will never have enough toilet paper. Never enough.
This is the face you make when you realise there's none left, again.
17. Once your bathroom only contained a razor and a toothbrush, now it has a million different and equally mysterious bottles and contraptions.
Photo: Chris McKenna / Imgur
18. Objects will now exist in your space because they're cute, displacing other, more practical objects.
A tiny spoon: the spoon of a thousand uses.
