If you really, REALLY fancy a drink on Good Friday, we may have some solutions
The pubs will be closed on Good Friday, but all is not lost if prohibition is not your thing.
No meat, no booze, Jebus would have wanted it that way. As would Rex Banner.
There are those of you who may want to wet your whistles on this soberest of days in Ireland, and (whispers) we know some people. Keep it whisht.
Go to the Dogs
Shelbourne Park Greyhound Stadium is open today from 6pm, and punters who attend will have full use of the bar and restaurants there. There are also greyhound stadiums around the country in Clonmel, Curraheen Park, Dundalk, Galway, Kilkenny, Longford, Limerick, Newbridge, Thurles, Tralee and Waterford that you can investigate the bar situation in.
Take a trip up North
According to the current Northern Ireland Assembly mandate, pubs can serve alcohol between 5pm and 11pm on Good Friday. That means you can have a few crafty halves in Armagh, Antrim, Down, Tyrone, Fermanagh or Derry if the mood takes you.
Book a flight
Pricey, but desperate times call for a quick Ryanair jaunt to, say, Bristol and once you get through the electronic scanners you'll be able to drink yourself silly while that sad airport muzak plays overhead and you struggle to log in to the Wi-Fi.
Yes, a glorious waste of money (especially if you don't bother taking the flight) and, yes, you really should have gone to the off licence last night and, no, you really should not drink the Mr. Muscle under the sink instead.
Go to a train station
The Galway Hooker in Heuston Station and Madigan's in Connolly Station can both serve alcohol to anyone who has an intercity train ticket.
Note the use of the word 'intercity' there - if you produce a DART or Luas ticket, you can jog on/have a Diet Pepsi for yourself.
Get on a ferry
Y'know, it sounds like a great idea until you look outside and realise that a) the weather is shite and b) you're prone to sea sickness and c) the Guinness is probably not the best and d) the weather really is shite and e) Holyhead is where stag parties go to die.
Plus, you've to get all the way to Dublin Port and... wait... you've just remembered those four warm cans of Carlsberg that you stashed away under the stairs for days such as these.
Check into a hotel
No, you can't just walk in, order an Old Fashioned, open up the paper and drink the day away, hoping that Mad Men's Joan Holloway will magically appear for a day of 60s-style sexual capering.
You have to be a paying guest. They will ask for a room number. And you can only get a drink if it is with a meal.
We're fairly certain peanuts, the cornerstone of any nutritious boozy lunch, don't count in this regard.
Hop on a train
Much better than a booze cruise, as you get to stay on dry land, wistfully look out at the Curragh or the Wicklow mountains, all the while writing Hemingway-esque passages in your beer ledger while raising a glass to Iarnród Éireann's laissez faire attitude to the gargle.
If you end up in Galway or Westport, all the better.
Go to the off licence on Thursday evening
We're absolute geniuses. There's no way you would've thought of this without our help. (If it's already Friday and you don't have a time machine, we've got nothin'.)
Well hello there! Keep reading! While you're here...
Check out Episode 4 of The JOE Show - Ireland's first social chat show - featuring live studio guest Alison Spittle, we have the craic with Russell Kane and his tidy haircut, music from Tim Chadwick, the best new comedy sketches and Kymann Power tracks down Mark Ronson in Ibiza.
That's right, IBIZA. The lucky fecker.
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