Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last week, you may have noticed that Charlie Sheen’s brain has left its host, leaving behind a crazed but lovable psychopath.
Sheen has been on the warpath in the last seven days, ever since his hit sitcom, Two and a Half Men, was cancelled by Warner Bros and CBS due to ‘the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition’.
In just the last few days, Sheen has described the show’s creator as a ‘maggot’, dropped his publicist, had his two-year-old twins taken in police custody and won over a million Twitter followers in less than 24 hours.
Not since Britney Spear’s umbrella attacks on paparazzi have we seen a celeb go off the deep end like this, though with two live-in girlfriends and buckets of cash, Sheen appears gleefully unperturbed by recent criticism and has taken over US chat shows and radio stations with a series of incredibly quote-worthy rants.
Sheen’s quotes have been so bizarre and defiant that UK broadsheet The Guardian scrambled them up with recent Colonel Gaddafi statements and asked readers to discern who said which. Unsurprisingly, it was incredibly difficult, as was our decision to pick the best of the bunch, featured below:
On why Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre should be afraid of Sheen’s awesomeness.
“Most of the time, and this includes naps, I’m an F18 bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground. There’s a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins.”
On drug addiction.
“I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
On America’s founding fathers.
“Thomas Jefferson was a pussy.”
On his reaction to ever-increasing media disapproval.
“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”
On why you can’t handle his brain.
“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”
On his DNA.
“I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.”
On his current girlfriends.
“You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”
On his talent.
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”
On his daily routine.
“It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary.”
On his party ways.
“The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”
On his role in Oliver Stone’s Oscar-winning Vietnam War ensemble Platoon.
“I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”
On whether he fears death.
“Dying is for fools, amateurs.”
On whether he owns guns.
“No. Not anymore. They took them all away. …That’s another subject.”
On becoming a Sheen family friend.
“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”
On… well, we have no idea actually.
“We work for the pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people.”
On his unanswered challenge for the Two and a Half Men creator to fight him in a MMA brawl.
“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”
On insomnia.
“The nights I don’t sleep it’s because there’s a higher calling telling me to stand guard.”
On the danger of relapsing.
“No. Not going to. Period. The end. I blinked and I cured my brain.”
On losing custody of his children to ex Brooke Mueller.
“Tiger blood will drip from my veins in my quest. Defeat is not an option. She is an absolute traitor and she must be banished. She will be living under a bridge, toothless and confused.
On the repercussions of ‘stealing’ his children.
“You come into my house and take my children away … there’s a storm coming – and it’s me.”
To read Charlie Sheen’s 20 craziest tweets click here.
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