Life | 4 months ago

You're fooling absolutely nobody...

by Rudi Kinsella

If you're Irish, and above the age of 17, the likelihood is that you’ve been inside a nightclub. You've been in many nightclubs, in fact, and you've definitely heard some of the following. We should forgive some people for what they say in nightclubs as, let’s not fool ourselves, there’s been drink taken. That being said, some of the drivel that you hear needs to be called out for exactly what it is...

It’s called bullshit.

1) "I can't believe I've had this much to drink"

Really? You can't? Well everyone else can, because you've been keeping us all up to date throughout the entire night.

Seriously, why does anyone think this is an achievement? "Awh mate, I've had six pints, three Jägerbombs and four cocktails." Okay. Fair play for drinking that much, and I hope you enjoy your hangover tomorrow, but please stop informing me of your tally every time you finish a drink.

2) "Ah whatever. Didn't want you anyway."

This one is all too common. Allow me to set the scene, it's a packed dancefloor, one brave soldier has mustered up the courage to try and talk to someone they fancy. They tell their friends about how great he/she looks, and finally they go for it.

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They get shot down. Politely, I may add. What happens next is as predictable as the result when Barcelona play a Leinster Senior League side. "Get away from me then, I never wanted you anyway. Look at the state of you!" Fair play to anyone who doesn’t react like Ronda Rousey after a loss and just gets along with their night, without feeling the need to harass the poor soul who just wasn’t interested.

3) "I've got work/college tomorrow”

Life is short. Let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.

4) "What are we doing afterwards?"

This can go one of two ways. Depending on your mood, you could be excited to keep the party going. Maybe you haven't had a night out in ages and you want to celebrate in style. Or maybe you just want to go to bed, and the idea of staying out makes your stomach turn. But there's always that one person who seems to be campaigning for an after-party every single night.

5) "You pay for the taxi and I'll get you a drink in there"

No you won't. You never have, and you never will. This is the worst possible deal you could make with anyone because whoever pays for the taxi will most definitely not be bought a drink inside. Some people will even go to the lengths of avoiding the person from the taxi, just to make sure they don't have to buy them a drink. If one of your "friends" tries to land you with this, run. This person is not to be trusted and probably pours their milk into the bowl before the cereal.

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6) "Ah let's go there, they have a deal on drinks"

Everywhere has a deal on drinks, to the point that some of them are ridiculous. Some places have deals that should be just flat out illegal. 50 cent shots? That's just a lawsuit waiting to happen. Either way, someone will try to convince you to go somewhere by using the logic, "Cheap booze!" Don't trust this person. There's a strong chance they have an ulterior motive, because (yawn) everywhere has a deal on drinks.

7) "I'm only having one or two"

Liar.

8) "Don't go there - they only play chart music"

We all have that one friend who refuses to listen to music if it's in any way popular in the mainstream. These people won't be happy unless you're listening to a techno DJ from Denmark who gets fewer than 500 views on their YouTube channel. When most of your group are happy to go “wherever,” you will get that one guy who wants to go to some dirty basement type place where football shorts are acceptable.

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Well hello there! Keep reading! While you're here...


Check out Episode 4 of The JOE Show - Ireland's first social chat show - featuring live studio guest Alison Spittle, we have the craic with Russell Kane and his tidy haircut, music from Tim Chadwick, the best new comedy sketches and Kymann Power tracks down Mark Ronson in Ibiza.


That's right, IBIZA. The lucky fecker.


Enjoy...


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