With Father’s Day fast approaching, we take a look at some of the things nobody tells you about when you become a dad.
Teething
Nothing prepares you for the teething stage of a baby. Sure, everything is great and new when the baby is born and it’s an absolute joy watching them grow. However, it’s when the teething stage happens, that all bets are off. The baby you think is adorable and faultless becomes the spawn of Satan.
The happy-go-lucky innocent demeanour of your child is replaced with one of rage and tantrums. One minute you are cuddling the child, the next you are running for the first-aid press due to receiving scratch marks akin to being attacked by a ravenous mountain cat.
Nappies
We all know that babies wear nappies and that they must be changed, but nothing, absolutely nothing prepares you for that first time changing a very well soiled nappy. First you smell it and it causes a gag reflex, but then you have to undertake the military-like manoeuvre of removing it.
The child is lying there laughing and kicking it’s legs and you are trying to remove the heavily polluted nappy. The nappy is removed, but the kid is still kicking and all of a sudden, there is baby crap everywhere. Many dads still suffer with the post-traumatic stress disorder.
Taxi Service
Kids are great, don’t get me wrong, but eventually you will cease being a parent in their eyes and will eventually become their own personalised chauffeur service. I was told that learning to drive would bring me great independence. Not so. Since becoming a fully licensed driver, I cannot look in the rear-view mirror without seeing one or more of my kids directing me where to bring them.
You take them to their friends, you take them to the shops, you take them to the cinema and then when you think you’ve done your job, you get a text asking for you to collect them from where you dropped them off at. You don’t even get paid!
Relationships
It might come as a shock to some of you, but children eventually grow up and become teenagers and of course they start dating. Nothing prepares you for the moment when you find out that your daughter has a boyfriend. One of the chief roles of a parent is as their protector.
This never comes to the fore as much untill you find out about ‘dreamy Mark’ from down the road seeing your princess. You immediately check out the gun laws, you take up MMA, you decide to eat raw meat. You answer the door in full military gear…ALWAYS.
School Plays/Recitals
Eventually every kid goes to school which is all very well, but with school, inevitably comes, the school play or recital. It consists of a school hall overflowing with families all vying for the best vantage point to see their offspring on stage. You wait for three hours in searing heat, watching loads of kids singing songs, dancing and running about just for that moment when your kid appears……dressed as a tree…..with no lines(trees can’t talk)…..just standing there…..and you are so proud.
The pain here is having to sit through all the other performances. Kids with instruments playing tunes which sound like a cat being strangled and you have to stand there with a fixed smile and applaud politely.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
